John Q Russia posted:
Last night I went over to the apartment of a girl who has apprently been in love with me for 2 years and made out with and felt up her hot roomate, in front of her roomates boyfriend that is. So my friend is screeching in anger (because apparently I should have known she was into me) and the roomate's boyfriend is super pissed and alls I know is that I can never enter that den of sin again.Lunar Park Ranger posted:In college, my roommates and I had a house party. I destinctly remember thinking dude, there's some annoying bitch out back who looks like a cocker spaniel and she's totally trying to get on me. Stay inside!.
So I go inside, have a couple beers, and in a ten minute span, four shots of Wild Turkey, one shot of 151, and two Jagers. Now my thoughts are something like this, Where's that one chick who's into me?
I head out to the back yard, find her, start talking, and within 10 minutes we're making out on a patio chair and she takes her shirt off. The party's still going on, and she was NOT attractive. In fact, her boobs were more like pancakes, not silver dollar nipples, but floppy, lifeless pancakes. A buddy of mine was sitting nearby and I could hear him laughing, but at that point, I didn't care, I was getting some.
We went back to my room, and the sex was bad. It was just boring. I would have rather been filling out job applications than this, it was boring. We kind of mutually agreed to stop, because she was worried about her friend. So she rips a sheet off my bed, wraps it around herself, and heads downstairs. From my room, I hear her yelling, "You guys better be quiet because my friend's trying to sleep!" Then BANG!
I later found out, after yelling at everyone, she turned around to head upstairs, got her leg wrapped in the blanket and fell flat on her ass. The whole party then saw her naked, which I had to apologize for the next day.
THEN, she said she needed a ride home, but I was way to messed up to drive so she spent the night next to me. That was awkward, but not as driving her and her friend home the next morning. So quiet.
And yes, I double bagged it.
when i was in my emo retarded teenager phase i got a guy on craigslist to pay me $50 to have sex with him (under the reasoning that if people were willing to pay me for sex then that must mean i'm attractive, apparently at the time i had never actually seen a real prostitute)he turned out to be like this 60 year old fat bus driver and his apartment looked like an old lady's and smelled like he had smoked for 30 years. he put some porn on and i sucked him off but i got cold feet when he wanted to fuck me. and i ended up giving him $20 back. then i walked 3 miles home because i was too ashamed to ask him to give me a ride back :
Ive shared this with many friends, who have shared it with many more friends. And occasionally I hear the story told to me by people not knowing the story is about me!
When I was 17 I had planned for a female friend to come over and watch some anime, didnt have anything planned, and infact figured my parants would be home. I opted to pull an all nighter, and I'm not sure how much porn I looked at or even how many times I came, but it was at least ten.
A few hours later my friend comes over and somehow we have the house to ourselves. I'm kinda tired and lean into her, we lie down, I start fondling her breasts and before I know it we are naked in my room. Between having spent my energy last night, tiredness and overall nervousness I just couldn't maintain any sort of errection. I apologized, we watched more anime, and never really hung out again. I then proceeded to be a virgin for several more years.
Yeah I suck.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.