Goddamn Newbie Scum posted:

Ugh, tell me about it. A year or so ago, I asked this girl out that I had hung out with a few times if she wanted to go out on an actual date, and added that it was totally fine if she said no, and that we would just never speak of it again. She said yes, but I suspect that she may have gotten yes and no confused. I don't blame her, it's easy to do. They sound so much alike!

Short answer, there really isn't any way to "tell" someone you like them without coming across as a weirdo, it really falls back that old writer's adage of "show, don't tell".
Dr. Stupid posted:
"...I agreed that what really matters is what you like, not what you are like... Books, records, films -- these things matter. Call me shallow but it's the fuckin' truth, and by this measure I was having one of the best dates of my life." - Rob in High Fidelity

We all have some small, sometimes insignificant things that we screen our potential partners with. Music, movies, books, eating habits - these things can make or break a relationship in the long run. Here are some of mine:

Books - If you don't know who Ignatius J. Reilly is, and you're not willing to learn, this probably won't work out.
Movies - Major bonus points for liking Hard Days Night and Coffee & Cigarettes . Major backlash for being to highbrow to laugh at Zoolander and Knocked Up.
Food - Picky eaters. Get the hell out of my kitchen.
Humor/nerdiness - Singing the subway route we need to take to the tune of the 70's Batman theme or Spiderpig in Swedish? <3 Some goon posted in a thread that he asked his girlfriend "What should we do tonight?" to which she responded "What we do every night - try to take over the world!". That a keeper right there.

Ok, now you go.
RenHoek posted:
Breakers:

Children: I don't want them. I don't hate them, but children that stay around longer then 3 hours get a ride on the trebuchet.

Religion: I don't mind if you believe in fairy tales, or even if you have a day set aside to convene with other gullible people. But don't expect me to believe in any of that, or tell me that I can't do certain things I do because it would be a 'sin'.

Pets: I live in an apartment. I have no room for horses, pterodactyls or other exotic creatures. I don't want hair everywhere, and I don't want the creature to be miserable because it has to live in a small house. Likewise I want my furniture intact and my computer fans non-clogged. Either have a pet that is happy in a small environment like a fish or get rid of it.

Smoking: No. I don't believe I have to expound on this.

Frigid: I'm maybe not the best kind of guy out there. I'm even willing to consider that I might be a bit of a pervert. However I think sex should be fun, so if you're the "lights out, missionary only" kinda girl, then no deal.

Change: I've tried it. I might be a son-of-a-bitch asshole, but that's because I really am a son-of-a-bitch asshole. I've tried changing my personality on request, but some things define who I am. Yes I'll leave the toilet seat down from now on, but no I won't stop being me.

TV: Please, PLEASE don't sit in front of the TV all day. I don't mind mindless drivel, hell I watch stupid cartoons, but have some standards. Watching soaps is ok, but not 5 different ones per day. Please no Big Brother or other shows that debase people in the quest for ratings.

Makers:

Intelligent: I'm a computer guy. I go through books and news sites constantly, so I know a lot. I would like to be able to talk to you about such things.

Fun: I'm inherently lazy. But I'm willing to go do stuff with you regardless. Please be willing to do silly and fun things like theme parks and zoos, go out for walks when it rains and so on.
More The Great Goon Database

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

About This Column

The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.