Equipment

Kevlar - This is the kind of armor that modern terrorists and counter-terrorists use when they want to travel light or when they decide that good armor is for pussies. Its sole purpose in this game is to increase the time it takes to die from .02 seconds to .020003 seconds. After all, if it provided any protection against bullets like real Kevlar does, it would be cheap.

Helmet - In this realistic mod, it's only natural that they would include real equipment, such as magical helmets that can repel a direct hit from the enemies' pathetic non-magical SAW machine guns. And since without a helmet you will die if your head gets struck by, say, a rock or an unnaturally pointy air molecule, it's a good idea to buy one and hope that the enemy doesn't decide to shoot at your body.

This nice-looking grenade-in-a-can is simple to use, lightweight and affordable. Too bad it has the raw explosive power of a Roman candle.HE grenade - This is supposedly a high-explosive weapon that's used for blasting enemies out of hiding places. However, you could shove it down an enemy's throat and it would do about 16 damage, so it should only be used when your primary weapon is empty, your pistol is out of ammo, and your knife is still stuck in the wall from when you were frantically stabbing your teammate's porn spray.

Flashbang grenade - Yet another magical item. When thrown, the flashbang will disappear in a puff of bizarre moving sprites that kind of resemble sparks. The instant this happens, every single person on your team will go blind for 10 seconds, and all the enemies will laugh at you and gun you down. It can actually work to your advantage, since after all your teammates go blind, they will all stop playing to type obscenities at you and you can use them as human shields.

Weapons

Desert Eagle - Contrary to popular belief, this is not the only pistol in Counterstrike. It may take you a few months of playing before you see anyone using a P228, a Five-Seven, or any other pistol in the game. Maybe it's because people are resistant to change, and using a familiar gun offers a psychological advantage that can give you that extra edge in life-and-death combat situations. Or maybe it's because the Desert Eagle kills anyone in two shots, and every other pistol requires you to point it at the enemy and hammer the trigger for about 15 seconds before it kills anything.

Elites - Something right out of a John Woo movie, although somehow dumber. The creators of Counterstrike decided that, in the interest of balance, the most expensive pistol in the game should also be the worst. This is actually two pistols, and if you're stupid enough to buy them, you run around like an idiot with one in each hand. Every shot with the left pistol goes slightly left, and every shot with the right pistol goes slightly right. This means that if your aim is good, you'll end up hitting your target approximately 0% of the time. If you're lucky, your aim will suck and you'll hit the target every other shot. You math geniuses out there might realize that this would inflict about half the damage of a normal pistol.

TMP - This 'tactical machine pistol' is used by the counter-terrorists. If real counter-terrorists use this thing, I fear for our nation's safety. People who use this gun will tell you that it has a fast rate of fire, it's accurate, and it reloads quickly. This is all true. There's really only one downside to this gun - in order to actually do any damage with it, you have to empty at least 40 shots into an enemy before the total damage will be high enough to round up to 1. After that happens, the enemy will turn around and clobber you with a Desert Eagle, which he bought for half the cost of the TMP. Nothing is more humiliating than being slaughtered by low-budget terrorists.

UMP - This is the latest addition to the CS weapon lineup. It's a really good idea - there was already a good submachinegun called the MP5, so they took that, made it worse in every single category, made it cost more, and called it the UMP. It has a lower clip size, it does less damage, it fires slower and it costs over $200 more. A terrific gun if you want to annoy the terrorists by hitting them with bullets that will chip one of their teeth or make their eyes water if you score enough direct hits to the face.

Using the dreaded AWM will cause every single person on a server to wish death upon you and sometimes wishes do come true.Steyr Scout - A great sniper rifle to use if you're new to the game or if the constant harassing from your teammates has drained all your will to live. Pulling the trigger causes a pathetic little sniper bullet to come oozing out, accompanied by a muffled sound effect that sounds like a flatulent mosquito. It does approximately 2 damage, 5 for a headshot, and 6 for a shot directly to the brain stem. If the game even bothers to register the hit, your enemy will turn toward you, give the 'I am superior' laugh of action-movie villains, and blast your head into pieces with his (you guessed it) Desert Eagle.

AW/M - This is the feared and hated Arctic Warfare Magnum sniper rifle, also commonly called the "AWP" or "THE GUN THAT NOOB LAMER SHOT ME WITH ARRRRRGGGGG". It has been toned down in recent versions, meaning to kill someone you need to actually point it in their general direction, rather than the general direction of the continent they're standing on. On the off-chance the target doesn't die of sheer terror, you might have to go through the time-consuming process of pulling the trigger, which will inflict about the same level of damage as getting hit in the eye with an anti-tank missile covered with anthrax and gasoline.

More Guides

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.