SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Large, but very inaccurate
CHANCES OF ENCOUNTER: Low
AVERAGE SPEED: Slow
DRIVING STYLE: Laid back
DESCRIPTION: The Hippiemobile is one of the most easily recognizable vehicles on the road today. One of the telltale signs of The Hippiemobile includes the entire rear of this vehicle being covered in bumper stickers for various psychedelic bands or liberal political causes. The top five popular stickers include:
1) "The Doors"
2) "Mean People Suck"
3) Something with dancing Gummi Bears on it
5) Some kind of flower with multicolored petals
While The Hippiemobile isn't a very aggressive species, there is a chance that being trapped behind it in traffic will result in some very odd fumes entering your car and clouding your ability to think rationally. If you see the people inhabiting The Hippiemobile laughing uncontrollably, do not bother attempting to ask what they're laughing at, because chances are you won't understand (and will likely involve a talking bird). The most common Hippiemobiles include VW Beetles, VW Vans, and "mom's car."
Little Miss White College Prettygirl
SPHERE OF AWARENESS: Zero
CHANCES OF ENCOUNTER: Average
AVERAGE SPEED: Fast
DRIVING STYLE: Aggressively terrible
DESCRIPTION: Exposure to numerous alcohol-induced frat parties and Dave Matthew's Band concerts have left Little Miss White College Prettygirl with one of the smallest Spheres of Awareness possible, limited to whatever's happening in her severely damaged brain. Although this alone makes her very dangerous, the mere fact that she did not pay for her own car or auto insurance nearly doubles the aggressiveness of her driving. If she wrecks daddy's Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer into the side of a Gap, she can just go get a new one on her Visa Triple Platinum credit card. An effective technique to lure away Little Miss White College Prettygirl is to call up her cellphone claiming to be "Stacy" and asking why she's not at the important rush meeting. This will cause her vehicle to come to a screeching halt and immediately turn around, hopefully resulting in a tanker trailer full of Hydrocyanic acid to collide and dump its contents all over her tanning booth enhanced face (containing no more than 45% medical implants and cosmetic enhancements). Exercise extreme caution.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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