General Rules of Traveling:
Good drivers never stop. Stopping is considered a sign of weakness and will allow the larger, more aggressive cars to gang up and bully you around. Your car should always be in motion. If, in some bizarre situation you cannot physically move forward at all, you should shift into reverse and slowly go backwards until there's enough room for you to inch forward again. If you cannot move backwards, you should flee from your vehicle and carjack somebody else in the other lane.
Tailing people makes them go faster. If the dimwitted, idiotic waste of skin in front of you doesn't feel the pressing need to floor their accelerator in a school zone, it is your God-given right to get as close as humanly possible to their rear bumper. This will set off their car's "Go Faster Detector" and cause them to increase their speed by at least 30 miles an hour. If you want their Go Faster Detector to work even quicker, throw your arms in their air and say, "for God's sake, move it!"
The horn is the most essential part of your vehicle. It lets everybody around you know that you do, in fact, have a functioning car horn which can sporadically emit loud, piercing noises. The horn should be used in the following cases:
You want somebody to speed up.
You want somebody to slow down.
You weren't sure if your horn was working.
The sky is blue (or any other color).
Learn how to predict other cars' actions. Most vehicles that aren't owned by rednecks have a few lights called "turn signals." They are used to indicate which direction the vehicle may or may not be going in the immediate future. Here's how to decipher their signals:
Vehicle's left turn signal is on: vehicle will never, ever, ever make a left. It will either immediately lurch into the right lane or it may keep going straight, but under no circumstances will it ever go left.
Vehicle's right turn signal is on: driver accidentally hit the right turn signal and has no intentions of going to the right.
No turn signal is on: car is going to swerve either to the right or left.
Talking on your cellphone is strongly encouraged. You look "cool" if you're chatting away on your phone while changing radio stations, eating a sandwich, and playing a particularly heated game of Solitaire on your Palm Pilot. This makes you look like a veteran, experienced driver who just came back from competing in the Indy 500 or flying secret experimental government spaceships. People will remember you as being the ultimate commuter when they read about your charred, decapitated corpse in the next day's newspaper.
People will understand if you're in a hurry. If you really need to get somewhere fast, it is perfectly acceptable to make a right hand turn from the left lane, drive through 50 consecutive stop signs, and cut off the busload of orphans who are on their way to church. Your Sphere of Awareness should be inversely proportional to the speed you're going; the faster you go, the less you should care about the people around you. Flashing your bright lights on and off repeatedly is the universal sign that you're in a hurry. It also means you're a real asshole.
The more foam and stuffed objects a driver has lined up on their rear dashboard, the older they are. If you pass a vehicle with a stuffed animal on the back of it, it is probably being driven by a middle-aged mother. If you see a car with a couple Beanie Babies and a foam hat which reads "OKLAHOMA" across it, chances are the driver is recently retired. If there's over 50 stuffed Garfield dolls and miscellaneous golf hats in the car, you should probably call the Police because the people inhabiting the vehicle have been dead for at least 10 years.
If you get in a car accident and your door is critically damaged, don't be afraid to replace it with a different colored door from another vehicle. This shows the rest of the world that you are a rebel and are denouncing their fascist, materialistic values. If you are rear-ended, feel free to tie the trunk to your bumper with some rope you found wrapped around a bale of hay. If your windows are damaged or smashed in, replace them with garbage bags or lots of Saran Wrap. In the unfortunate chance your tire blows out, replace it with a spare and use it until it blows out. Then abandon the car alongside the highway.
Tinting your own windows not only saves money but it looks real cool as well. Nothing says "class" quite like a vehicle which has countless bubbles and tears all over the windshield. It's like driving around in a lava lamp! Far out, brother!
Even though it's not mandatory in every state, you should always buy auto insurance for your car. Once you agree to pay the $5000 a month, your insurance company will give you a piece of paper with their name written across it and a secret code. The company will advise you to carry this card with you wherever you go: to the store, vacations, funerals, your own bathroom, Mars, etc. More than likely, you will leave it in the envelope in your kitchen's drawer. Try not to get into a car accident unless you're driving around in your kitchen.
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
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