Chapter Two: Getting To Wherever the Hell You're Going
Now that you've been introduced to the many exciting demonic creatures who inhabit the roads of the world, it's time to cover the actual process of getting from point A to point B. To temporarily stall the process of humanity's inevitable devolution into a bunch of violent apes in sports cars, the world's governments have decided to scatter street signs along the roads and highways. These small, tarnished, metal signs are the only safeguard which keeps our society from literally falling apart. Of course, nobody really pays any attention to or obeys these street signs, so it's a real testament to human nature that we haven't already nuked our planet into a series of kidney-sized chunks.
The Signs of Safety: The Stop Sign
The most common street sign you will ever encounter is the stop sign. Although the more ignorant and gullible members of society may interpret this sign as meaning "stop", the more savvy drivers of the world know otherwise. The stop sign isn't really a concrete rule, as it is more of a helpful suggestion like, "if you have nothing better to do and you're not in a hurry, you may want to consider stopping or at least slowing down to under 100 miles an hour." Many people don't understand why there are so many stop signs throughout the globe, but this is because they simply can't see the "big picture". All governments are in cahoots with the major oil companies, choosing to place stop signs every six feet along residential and city streets. The abundance of these signs results in increased gasoline usage, therefore making the oil industry ungodly amounts of money. I've been told by some of my friends who live deep in the woods that the UN and Area 51 is somehow involved, but I'm fairly sure that UFOs don't use gasoline. I think they're powered by coal.
Although the basic shape and design of stop signs are the same, small details may vary from place to place. Here are a few examples of signs from around the world.
East Saint Louis (sign currently missing)
To show the world you're a real intelligent guy who's "in the know", you should ONLY come to a halt at the stop sign if one of the following requirements are met:
There is a car traveling across the street at an intersecting angle.
A crippled woman, retarded child, or nun is crossing the street in front of you (in which case you should start honking your horn and make colorful, animated gestures if they haven't passed by in two seconds). If it's a crippled, retarded nun, you should give her an extra four seconds before flooring it.
The transmission just fell out of your car and your vehicle won't move.
In any other case, you should either slow down to below Mach 4 or at least look to the left and right for any incoming cement trucks. It is perfectly acceptable to run through a stop sign if you fall into any of these criteria:
You're in a hurry.
You were in a hurry.
You will hypothetically be in a hurry sometime in the near future.
Due to temporary insanity, you have forgotten where the brakes are.
You are afraid there's a bomb in your vehicle which will cause it to detonate if it comes to a complete halt.
The voices in your head command you to constantly travel at 87 miles an hour or the Dark Lord Lucifer will become displeased and cause the crops in Iowa to whither and decay.
You think a crazed policeman with a waling siren and flashing lights is stalking you and you're simply trying to escape. I mean, he could be the guy from "Psycho Cop Returns"!
Your car is one of those "newer Japanese models" that don't decelerate.
There's a bug on the acceleration pedal you're trying to squish.
You're pregnant (works only for women and fat feminine men).
There is a kickin' Men Without Hats song on the radio and you can't help but "rock out".
You're about to miss "Silk Stockings" on the USA Network.
All of those excuses are perfectly legit things to say when attempting to talk yourself out of a speeding / traffic ticket, so feel free to use them when pulled over. If that doesn't work, attempt to bribe the officer with some of the loose change in your glove compartment. If that fails as well, try to take his gun and sell it back to him.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!