The Signs of Safety: Various Other Unimportant Signs
Littering our roads like, uh, a whole bunch of litter, are an assortment of various other stupid signs which mean little to nothing. The only reason these signs have been erected is to give the National Department of Fucking Up Traffic something to do besides spewing thousands of plastic orange cones onto every road they pass. I think they also have something to do with those pesky unmarked black helicopters which buzz by my apartment at night, trying to steal my thoughts. Anyway, here's a brief overview of all those "other signs" you will encounter on the road:
Green light: Go.
Yellow light: Go really fast because it's about to turn red.
Red light: Go really really fast because it either just turned red or it's about to turn green.
No functional purpose. Solely for decoration.
Speed limit signs:
You may safely go up to 60 miles an hour.
You may safely go up to 100 miles and hour.
Speed limit is somwhere around the speed of light.
Indication you're probably going the wrong way:
You might want to turn around at this point.
Sign you've clearly gone the wrong way:
Just give up and take the goddamn bus.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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