Chapter One - Where Do You Want to Fail Today?

With the recent booming economy, influx in job opportunities, and relax in legal definitions of "sweatshops", the workplace has never been so dynamic! Jobs await you at every nook, cranny, and swollen orifice of the slummy city you undoubtedly reside in. Here is a brief list of hot and new potential positions I compiled while waiting for the motorized bus yesterday:

  • Math Teacher
  • Pimp
  • Burn Victim
  • Professional Mime
  • "Winger" Groupie
  • Alcoholic
  • Guy Who Wears a Lot of Looney Tunes Clothing and Hangs Out Around the Mall
  • Soccer Hooligan
  • Army Test Subject
  • Large Paperweight
  • Stand-In Robot From "Rise of the Triad"
  • Thief
  • Ignorant CompUSA Employee
  • Washed Up Pitcher
  • Cum Slut
  • Alzheimer's Disease Patient
  • Corrupt Cop
  • Unfunny Stand Up Comedian
  • Really Late Night Talk Show Host (also see "Unfunny Stand Up Comedian")
  • Pro Corpse

As you can see, the list of opportunities out there is full of many plentiful and rewarding positions. Some of them even have dental insurance. Now that you've found a bland and menial position you'd like to fill, let's move on to Chapter Two and learn how to razzle and dazzle your potential boss at Bob's Wicker Hut with a resume so impressive he won't be able to resist letting you have sex with his wife and teenage daughters.

Next Chapter: Create the Perfect Résumé Through Lying

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