Chapter Three - Knock the Pants off that Ass! (page 6)

Now for that big, important moment which all previous steps have led up to: the time when the chrysalis metamorphasizes into an adult butterfly! No wait, wrong topic. What we're concerned with here is that crucial meeting between you and your future boss. As the old saying goes, "you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Head and Shoulders." Barring the "Head and Shoulders" part, I think we can learn a lot from this. The boss will introduce himself to you, at which point "small talk" will ensue. Be careful to thoughtfully and intelligently reply to each of these questions, as although they appear to be innocent wastes of time, they are actually used to test you and learn all about your personality and various shortcomings! Everything you say reflects upon you! Let's take a look at the conversation between Joe and his potential boss, Mr. Felcher:

Mr. Felcher: "Hello Bob, how are you doing?"

And this point, all red flags are raised. Why does Mr. Felcher want to know how Bob is doing? Is he asking if Bob has had any previous drug or alcohol problems, and is possibly recuperating? Does he think Bob has something to hide? And who the hell is "Bob" anyway? The main character in our story is named "Joe"! Is this possibly another trick?

Since Joe will want to respond with an answer that demonstrates his intelligence and charisma, he'll want to let Mr. Felcher know that he can't be easily fooled and, as they said in ancient Greece, "the jig is up". Let's see how Joe responds:

Joe (furious): "I stab you DEAD!" (lunges at boss with serrated combat knife)

Joe is obviously lacking in what's referred to as "people skills". He's got the right intentions, but his execution is all wrong. Let's try this again, Joe, and check out the CORRECT response!

Mr. Felcher: "Hello Joe, how are you doing?"

Joe (furious): "I stab you DEAD!" (doesn't lunge at boss with serrated combat knife)

After the initial small talk is out of the way, the difficult questions really begin. The boss will often try to "trip you up" and search for any discrepancies between your real experience and your résumé. Be on guard at all times, for every question could be another insiduous trap!

Mr. Felcher: "So Joe, it says on your résumé you went to Harvard."

Joe: "Yes, I swear to GOD, I went to Harvard!"

Mr. Felcher: "Have you-"

Joe: "For fuck's sake, I went to Harvard! The reason you couldn't reach any of the references on the phone is because they're all out of town! I'm serious! I'm not lying, Jesus Christ!"

Mr. Felcher: "I totally believe you-"

Joe: "I WENT TO HARVARD YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH."

At this point the boss will undoubtedly be under the impression that you indeed attended Harvard (regardless if it's true). Now the interview progresses to the "meat and potatoes" part, where the boss will question all your motives and interests regarding why you are seeking employment in his company. You must cover up your true intentions of getting hired simply because "you want money", and instead attempt to impress the boss with your various positive traits and work ethics (regardless if they're true). You'll want to primarily concentrate on showing a team spirit, intelligence, a positive attitude, and an energetic personality. Let's check back in with Joe again and watch him demonstrate the appropriate way to display these traits!

Mr. Felcher: "So why do you want to be a part of FelcherSoft, Joe?"

Joe (demonstrating team spirit): "I enjoy helping people and working with a team. I love the feeling of knowing I'm around other men, eager to dig in and get the job done! I can't get enough of working behind a fellow employee and giving him a slap on his rosy cheeks for a job well done!"

Mr. Felcher: "Well Joe-"

Joe (demonstrating intelligence): "The maximum energy of a dislodged electron depends only on the energy with which a photon strikes the electron; the photon's energy, however, has nothing to do with the light intensity, because intensity only measures the number of photons striking the metal. The photon's energy, and thus the maximum possible energy of a dislodged electron, depends only on the light's frequency!"

Mr. Felcher (confused): "What?"

Joe (demonstrating a positive attitude): "Rainbows, kittens, and little elves make me happy! Life is a box of chocolate chip cookies, and I can't wait to dig in! Perk up and turn that frown upside down!"

Mr. Felcher (talking to secretary): "Please send security up here ASAP."

Joe (demonstrating energetic personality): "Watch what I can do, watch what I can do!" (jumps out window into oncoming traffic)

By this point, you've undoubtedly left a very strong impression on your boss, and can just sit back and wait for the offers to start rolling in! In my next chapter, we'll examine the proper work attitude and ethic which will ensure a long and productive employment history with your company, and minimal prison sentences! Prepare yourselves, gentle viewers!

– Dr. Fred Malalavich (@lowtax)

More Guides

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.