Chapter Three - Knock the Pants off that Ass! (page 5)
Huzzah and hooray! Mr. Kyanka is now looking "sharp as a thumbtack", and ready to nail that job like a cheap whore! Although you may not be able to discern it from the picture, our subject has even taken a bath! This brings up two very important points:
1) Personal hygiene is very important. Be sure to bathe regularly.
2) Bathe BEFORE dressing yourself.
I cannot stress how important that these two steps be followed in the order they were written. Nothing screams out "unprofessional" quite like a person wearing a wet, soapy mess of an outfit! Take some pride in how you look and remember to bathe BEFORE dressing! If you do not own a shower or bathtub, I would recommend using a neighbor's pool. If no pool is available, try breaking into a YMCA and using theirs. If there are no YMCA's near, go down to Wal Mart and rub those mushroom-shaped air fresheners all over your private areas. If they are out of air fresheners, invite your boss to interview you near a meat rendering factory.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Something Awful Guides can help you, the Internet reader, make the most out of your life and just might possibly end up getting you incapacitated or killed!