Forums goon Indignation struck up another fantastic thread about said horrifying topic, with hundreds of replies from the goons. The names have been removed the stories to protect the embarressed.
Please enjoy this weeks, and next weeks, and maybe the week's after that Comedy Goldmine, "Embarassing Sexual Moments".
I moved to Tennessee from Texas this past May and had to live with my parents for two months before my apartment was ready. I had mailed all of my belongings via parcel post, sold or gave away my furniture, and flew myself and my two children here. My parents have a big enough house—-five bedrooms. However, it was still a bit cramped. I didn’t have a ton of places to put all of our belongings. I have a few sex toys and the question of where to put these so they wouldn’t be discovered was a difficult one. I ultimately decided to put them in an unused backpack on the top shelf of the closet of the room I was staying in. That’s a safe place, right? Or so I thought.
It was an early evening in July and we were grilling food on the back patio. The adults had all been drinking a little. I had only had one glass of wine, but my parents had had quite a few. They were standing in the front doorway talking to me while I was in the kitchen. I went in there to talk to them about something, but what it was escapes me now. My kids had been laying down for a nap. It was a bit later than I usually do this, but we had grandparents and other family in town. I had let them stay up to greet them since it was a special occasion. I thought if I gave them an abbreviated nap that they would still go down at night fairly easily.
Enter my daughter, Emily. She is a bright-eyed, lovable, and quite curious four year-old. (She was three at the time.) She was carrying one of my sex toys into the kitchen very nonchalantly like she would carry a stuffed animal. It had been cleaned quite well and was actually a bit dusty from some months of nonuse. She would have had to scale the closet to get to it. Not just any sex toy, but perhaps the most saucy one I had. A 24’’ gellish bright red double dildo...Let’s not focus on that too much, ok? It use is hardly the point, but its description is necessary to illustrate the story. For all you know, I used it solely as a weapon in mock ninja fights.
My parents and I both stared in shock. I was mortified.
My daughter dropped it and asked what was wrong. I imagine our undivided, curt, and simultaneous attention had prompted the question.
My mother, then being a bit inebriated, burst out laughing. Time seemed to pass much too slowly. She asked what I used that for. She asked if I used it on any of my ex-boyfriends as a number of them had been tall. She went on to elaborate that they may need the extra length for their lengthy colons. My daughter watched on looking concerned. The dildo remained on the floor.
I stared at my mother in disbelief and indignantly grabbed the dildo off of the floor and stomped off. My daughter promptly collapsed onto the floor crying that I had taken away her “snake.”
As if this wasn’t enough, I inadvertently bopped the cat in the head with it. I had stomped off in a bit of a fury and it swung from my hand wildly. Our orange tabby, Sam, was quite pissed at this. He turned his attention to me and his body stiffened. He first tried to bat at it. I noticed him, but I just walked faster. He wasn’t going to let me get away without a fight. He pounced on it. He hugged it with his paws (he is declawed in the front) and sank into it with his teeth. I pulled it away from Sam and proceeded into a tug of war with him. I still had an audience. My step-dad never said a word. He just kept staring. My mom was laughing so hard that she had tears streaming down her face. I eventually got it away from Sam and put it away. My step-dad comforted my daughter while I did so.
What’s worse is that this has been shared with many others in my family. They know it embarrasses me and they won’t let me live it down.
This was back before I was married. My fuckbuddy bought a small vibrator for me to use while he was away. I kept it in the top drawer of my dresser, amongst my socks, bras and underwear.
An old college friend came over for the day to hang out. She was one of those really repressed catholic good girls. When I was with her I put on a half assed good girl routine myself. (I don't know why, I was young and impressionable I guess). Anyway, when we went to my room I showed her the cool rock collection that I had on top of my dresser. (I had been a geo-major. quite normal to be obsessed with rocks). Anyway, as she was fondling my rocks I noticed my drawer was open and my vibrator was visible. ! I quickly slammed the drawer shut, hoping she hadn't noticed. Whoops! The force of me slamming it knocked the vibrator against the side of the drawer, and it turned on. Because it was against the wood, not only was there a buzz but also a loud rattle!
I reached in and turned it off in horror as she stared at me. I honestly was so embarrassed that I don't really remember what I told her it was...
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.