Lowtax - Oh. Male. Why didn't you ask that in the first place?
Roy - May I ask where you live, sir?
Lowtax - Sure, go for it.
Roy - Where do you live?
Lowtax - California. Roy.
Roy - How old are you?
Lowtax - Let me ask you a question, Roy. I've seen the movies about people who buy life insurance and then their bosses and kids kill them because they want to collect the money. Is there any way to keep people from collecting the money if I die, Roy?
Roy - Excuse me?
Lowtax - I don't want anybody collecting my life insurance money when I die, Roy. That's just asking to be killed! Roy! Haven't you seen those movies before? I'm not making this up, Roy, it happens.
Roy - I understand your fears, but you can list the dependant as a spouse or other loved one in this situation.
Lowtax - You don't undestand, Roy. I don't want ANYBODY getting the cash if I'm killed, Roy. If I don't, it will seem like my death is just some crazy lotto casino payout, Roy, and I don't want those vulture bastard kids of mine dropping arsenic in my beef soup every night, Roy. Do you know what it's like to have kids, Roy?
Roy - Sorry sir, I dont.
Lowtax - Roy, every day it's like I'm fighting for my own life, Roy. They're playing music loud, driving around like crazy freaks, and just getting on my last damn nerve. I don't know how long I can take this, Roy, before I just snap and burn the place down.
Lowtax - Hey Roy, are you there?
Roy - Yes, sorry, I had to leave for a second.
Lowtax - So tell me more about your program. I want to make sure I'm safe when I die, Roy. I don't want to end up in the gutter like my uncle.
Roy - Well sir, I'll need some more information from you. How old are you?
Lowtax - 42.
Lowtax - Years old.
Roy - Are you a smoker?
Lowtax - Well Roy, I've been quitting for the past two years, so I'm gradually becoming less of a smoker. I don't do the hard stuff though, because my uncle once did some stuff laced with crystal, and he coughed up white crap every hour until the day he died, God bless his soul.
Roy - You are talking about cigeretts, right?
Lowtax - No, my uncle did crank.
Roy - But what about you?
Lowtax - I don't do crank, Roy. It's against my religion.
Speaking of religion, do I have to tell you what religion I am for your life insurance?
Roy - No we dont need that information.
Lowtax - Good. Because my religion gets me all worked up sometimes, and I just get really, really angry until I'm breaking things and my heart starts thumping like a goddamn bass drum. My wife has to lay me down and push my chest until my eyes roll down and I'm able to breathe without the machine, Roy.
By the way, I'm a Lothorarian. The whole "sinister diarama" way of thinking thing.
Roy - Do you have heart problems or medical conditions like those?
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.