Subject: Re: Legal matters
Ah, excellent, the fourth "Slander or in this case libel" suit threatened against SA, Leonard loves these. Although Mr. Crabs is current down by the ol' fishin' hole, he asked me to communicate to you the fact that he really "digs" these kinds of court cases. I remember the last "Slander or in this case libel" suit that was lodged against us... Leonard showed up in court wearing his special pair of "Legal Attack Shoes" (we just refer to them as "Keds"), and he was simply giddy with excitement, like a child in an antique factory. Mr. Crabs even baked the judge muffins!
We look forward to hearing the details of your "Slander or in this case libel" lawsuit, and are *very* excited even thinking about it. Once Leonard comes back to patch up his swim floaties, I'll mention your lawsuit to him. I'm sure he will be absolutely thrilled!
-Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
If you thought any of this so far was interesting, wait until you read the next letter which was emailed from a REAL, LIVE, ACTUAL ATTORNEY. How do I know this? Simple: his return address was email@example.com. I died of laughter when I saw that.
From: Dale S. Jones
Subject: Only in the usa right?
I am pissed picture this 7pm I get a phone call over this. I was with my wife low light and THIS. My lord I need to knock something into my-self I hate being a lawyer for websites greedy geeks trying to get the best of people. One I wont sue you nor will he . On my behalf and tiggershell.net I would like to say sorry for the actions that have followed and what was said. I can see he was mad for the link if you want he will give you rights to keep the link. he could care less about that just was pissed he was getting yelled at by someone and only in the good old usa will shit like this happen. here is what was said to him
fuck...i'm pissed. some site put a link up to the band's guestbook and also a link to the mp3 we have without even using our permission or notifying us or anything. they fucking badmouthed the band and shit and so did the 70 people who signed the guestbook. fucking pisses me off
I hope you can see how this went about. Sorry for the trouble that was caused today.
Thanks For your time.
Dale S. Jones
Attorney at law
At first I didn't believe this could actually be a real lawyer, because he seemed to have the same writing skill as the other members of Kharibdus. However, I then remembered his email address was "firstname.lastname@example.org", so I knew this guy had to be for real! Fortunate for me, Mr. "Attorney" was giving me "rights to keep the link"! I had lucked out for sure! Before I could respond, I soon found this letter sitting in my inbox:
From: Dan Mullen
Subject: I'm sorry!!!
I am sorry for the e-mail sent before. I get hot headed very easily and fly off the handle. I am really very sorry. To settle this outta court all we ask is that you take the link down and take us off your message board. I am sorry for my irresponsible response. Please forgive me. If you are not willing to take the link down, than we will have to take legal action and sue you. I would appriecate if you would e-mail me back.
The one who is begging you,
Dan Mullen, Kharibdus
So apparently we're still back at step one, where I'm still going to be sued if I even mention anything regarding the mega-super-heavy metal rock stars Kharibdus anywhere on my site. Since I felt sorry for the guy, I removed the guestbook link from my main page, but I'm not removing the link to their website, because I'm sick and tired of every single idiot threatening to sue for "libel and slander." If you have a dispute with somebody, talk to them about it; don't threaten to take every single person who offends you to court. That's why America is such a pathetic legal mess right now.
(end of correspondence)
This is very real. As an insider I possess damning evidence that could utterly destroy Something Awful. This website has many enemies who appear to be coming to power in the United States. They probably have lots of money at their disposal, and I could really use some.
Don't let the winter dryness destroy your sinuses.
Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!