The important part is here's the plan for my show.
Called: LEVI SHOW or JOHNSTON REPORT
The sets like this cool stage with spotlights and a big desk made out of something cool like ebony or turqouys or some shit. I got go-go dancers in a cage behind my desk and not those old chunky ones who think it's some retro shit. I want some full on valtrex girls with their asses out and rubbing biohazards all over the place like some weyland yutani secret lab shit in vinyl hot pants.
yeah nice thong maybe get a couple more for all your back fat GO GO AWAY bitch... NEXTFIRST SEGMENT
Every night I come out and tell some jokes. Current events shit like about haiti. I could talk about that for example or if the president did something I could write a joke about that. Whatever, it could not be worse than what is on real TV stations right now. Have you heard of this dude called Jay Leno? He looks like he stole half an extra face and he reads newspapers at people and they laugh for some reason. I think it's crazy. Then he's got some pet black dude who looks bored about everything and TRUST ME with good fucking reason holy shit. Nap time, fagaroos.
strength. I have been focused on strength a lot lately. Like physical and spiritual. So that is what I want to challenge here. I can get some of my buds on here like Tucker and Cody K and Kody P and we can do strength training shit and bend some shit, maybe bust windows with bricks, then we could challenge each other. Milk gallon challenge. Edward 40 hands. That one with the spoons and the eggs. The one where you have to shave a pussy using only your off hand.
Shit, I might've just dreamed that game, but it could work.
you know clinton is tearing it up like he declared WWIII on pussy and he is just dying to spill the beansTHIRD SEGMENT
Have on a guest and talk about politics. Like get Bill Clinton you KNOW that dude wants to tell some fuckin stories. I mean shit that dude wasn't just getting hummed down on by some piggy intern, he was like busting on cigars and shit. That shit was documented. Can you imagine what is undocumented? Got to be like blood pissing scenes and some club in Saudi Arabia where you can buy a white girl and make her kill dogs. Crazy, wild shit you got to be a president to even get into.
Get like, who was that one bitch that was always mad about Obama and went on Fox? You know who I'm talking about. It was that lady who was always mad about sexism. Gotta mix it up. Maybe have Tiki barber on to talk about football.
Every episode we resolve a paternity test. Look I straight up admit I am cribbing this from maury. But I don't evne think that old bitch still has a show and nobody else is picking up the paternity test slack. The formula is simple, you either get some broad who is gloating and KNOWS the baby belongs to some dude and then it turns out it totally doesn't or you get on some dude who denies everything and then it turns out the baby is his. Which is easy, because that's like opposite sides of the coin of 50/50 on people who actually get paternity tests.
I won't even play around like Maury though, I will just straight up yoke those dudes and be like ITS YOURS BITCH HAHAHA or if it's the girl I will blast her face with some shaving cream and drop her out a trap door secret lair style.
oh I'm sorry am I filming your moms in johnston vision? LAst segment: GOODNIGHT YALLS MOMS
This would be just me with my hair all messed up sittin on a bed with some silk PJs and some mood lighting and I'll wish yalls moms good night. Nothing nasty, just like "thanks for the good time, and hey, be sure to tune in tomorrow and we can do it again."
This will hit the demographics of moms who let me tell you are horny as F-U-C-K just about 24/7. I'll be in the airport and moms will be digging up in suitcases for drawers to throw at me. Mistake me for a chifforobe wearing a hockey jersey. I can only imagine the quality tang I could be scoopin if I wished moms goodnight every episode.
MSNBC would be backing up tractors. Letters so nasty they'd hire people to boil them before I read them, but nasty in a good way, like a baby being born. It doesn't get any nastier than the messy, smelly miracle of motherhood. Nature's catbox. Nuff said. So there is my proposal MSBDNCB the ball is back in your court now.....
Levi "HOSTER" Johnston
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.