What they say:
"We have produced a wide assortment of dolls. Feel free to contact us."

African Bride is lucky she could spot a husband with those crazy eyes. At least that hussy didn't try to get away with wearing white to her wedding.

I'm not sure who the target audience is with this doll, but the US market has moved past the point where the black dolls are treated as broad archetypes. Since about 1985 the dolls, like the people, are allowed to have names. You don't buy an "African Bride" so that Ken and Barbie can crash her wedding; you buy a "Christie" so that Barbie knows what name to scream when she's throwing Ken's clothes off the balcony.

What they say: "Commodity fortress"

I'm not normally inclined to criticize toys for scale inconsistencies, but this one is all over the place. The tiny princess figurines are too big for the castle, way too small for the giant furniture, and enormous compared to the mysterious pond-with-diving-board.

On the other hand, if you need to fortify your kingdom from a rampaging horde of dream unicorns and grotesquely oversized elves then here is your impenetrable fastness. Your commodities have never been so well-protected.

More The Most Awful

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.