Danja shows off her favorite farm implement - a pitchfork with a hat on it!Yes I can. Speaking of the farm, Danja rides a horse into the stable. She is promptly attacked by a ludicrously ripped, mace-wielding freak named Pyramid who gets his hair cut at the Blaine Beauty School for Blind People Who Also Have Parkinsons Disease. Danja activates a cleverly hidden (read: glowing) panel, which causes the wall to spin around, giving her access to a room full of guns. When facing off against a woman with an assault rifle, Pyramid's mace suddenly seems like a sort of wussy weapon. No, wait, it always seemed like a wussy weapon. Another one of Ragnar's cronies bursts in through the window and captures Danja. Conveniently, Lance arrives at that moment, distracting the thugs long enough for Danja to get her gun back and start firing at random. Somehow, a fire starts and Lance and Danja escape just before the flames reach a box of grenades that was lying around. You know, farming grenades.
Inside the farmhouse, Lance accuses Danja of sleeping with his father again, so she takes her blouse off. Just then, an alarm goes off. Danja grabs another huge gun from above the sink, ready to ward off any intruders. It's Corruthers, who works for the same nameless agency that Danja does, at least as far as she knows. Corruthers and Danja have the first of many conversations that emphasize the point that Ragnar is a hermaphrodite, and they propose that Ragnar may have killed Drew.
Do not look directly at this picture.
Danja decides to pay Ragnar a visit at a biker bar called The Incinerator. Lance follows her on his bike, then subtly parks right next to her. Danja tells him to go home, to which he replies "I don't have a home, okay?" I guess the excitement of the day made him forget about his dorm and the farm he owns. He puts some chewing gum, which is actually a homing device he got from Cliff, on the back of her car, then rides around to the other side of the club for no reason. He enters the club, where he and Danja are waited on by a man/woman with a dead albino wolverine on his/her head, who comes on to Lance. Just when things are at their most disturbing, Ragnar appears and sings a song about being a hermaphrodite that includes the line, "It takes a man like me to be a woman like me." At that point, my Disturb-O-Meter exploded, embedding shards of glass in my left eye. Sadly, I continued to watch with my right. Danja reveals to Lance that Ragnar may have killed Drew, so he accuses her of sleeping with his father for the third time.
Since it was such a big hit the last time, Lance rides around to the other side of the building on his bike again. He enters Ragnar's dressing room under the guise of a fan looking for an autograph. While he's inside, Pyramid puts a small bomb on his bike. Ragnar comes on to Lance, which caused the shards of my Disturb-O-Meter to explode again, taking off the better half of my face. Lance places some more spy gum inside the dressing room, but this time it's surveillance gum. Ragnar's no fool, though. He knows surveillance gum when he sees it, and he flushes it down the toilet as soon as Lance leaves. Outside, a conveniently placed drunk tries to start Lance's bike and is blown up.
Full House would have been so much more badass if Uncle Jesse had carried a shotgun. Oh, who am I kidding? Full House was badass.
Lance follows Danja on Cliff's bike, using the built-in computer. Danja and Lance are attacked by a gang of biker mutants. Danja shoots a few of them, but they throw a net over her, and guns can't shoot through nets. That would just be silly. Lance wakes up inside the farmhouse. That's right, the bad guys brought him home. As soon as he gets to his feet, though, he is attacked by two incompetent mutants who beat him up by pushing his head from side to side in the sink and feeding him a cherry tomato. They continue to wail on him in an attempt to get the location of the elusive disk. At no point, though, do they give him a chance to speak. Lance finds the Stargrove crest, which apparently turns him into a highly-trained secret agent, as he has no trouble defeating two armed opponents who were kicking the crap out of him a minute ago. He finds out where Danja is being held, then throws both of the mutants out the window. To make his point, he grabs a shotgun from the shotgun cabinet that happens to be right there and fires a few shots. People leave loaded shotguns all over the place in the Stargrove family. Lance finds a secret (read: brightly glowing) panel in the floor that leads to an underground room full of guns. If the guns in there, by the window, in the kitchen, and in the barn weren't enough, Cliff shows up with the Fireblazer, which now has a spiffy paintjob! Cliff also has the elusive disk, the one Ragnar is looking for, stashed in a compartment on his new bike.
At his secret headquarters, Ragnar kills his henchmen for failing to get the disk by stabbing them with his fingernail. Now the move is called "the spike," as opposed to "the finger." Whatever. Ragnar's number one scientist, played by Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund, shows him the specs for redirecting toxic waste into the water. Looking at the computer screen, Ragnar remarks '"What a sexy shade of purple," despite the fact that there is no purple anywhere on the screen. That Ragnar, you never know crazy thing he'll do next, nor do you care. One of Ragnar's mutants ties Danja to a heated platform. It must be company policy to resort to torture immediately, because that guy doesn't give her a whole lot of time to tell him where the disk is before increasing the heat. Luckily for her, Lance and Cliff arrive. Cliff blows a hole in the wall using the Fireblazer, which shoots a slow, red tennis ball of doom and the two roommates rush in to save the woman they barely know. Neither of these college students, who have never so much as fired a gun in their lives, have any compunction whatsoever about killing fifty people with anything they can get their hands on. Lance shoots several people while they are running away from him. He frees Danja, and they all escape unharmed.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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