Trillaphon: Oh no, it's a horrible monstrous alien uber-crab! Well, okay, it's just a regular crab, but it's really big! Look how big it is! Also, it's the color of a boiled crab because this movie was made by mouth-breathing hog sloppers!
Hydrogen: Hi there, I'm Joe, the cannon fodder. Just standing here so a monster can come along and gruesomely murder me. Doo de doo.
Trillaphon: Yeeeeep, annnny minute now. Should be GHRYRAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRLNGFFUUUHH
Hydrogen: Damn, he was just 2 days away from retirement too. Fat pension and everything.
Trillaphon: They can teach you everything in the academy, everything except how to deal with watching an 80 foot tall crab snip your best friend's head off like a frozen yogurt coupon.
Hydrogen: I'm sure the healing process involves lots of dick jokes and quiet hoo-ahs.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.