Trillaphon: Oh no, it's a horrible monstrous alien uber-crab! Well, okay, it's just a regular crab, but it's really big! Look how big it is! Also, it's the color of a boiled crab because this movie was made by mouth-breathing hog sloppers!
Hydrogen: Hi there, I'm Joe, the cannon fodder. Just standing here so a monster can come along and gruesomely murder me. Doo de doo.
Trillaphon: Yeeeeep, annnny minute now. Should be GHRYRAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRLNGFFUUUHH
Hydrogen: Damn, he was just 2 days away from retirement too. Fat pension and everything.
Trillaphon: They can teach you everything in the academy, everything except how to deal with watching an 80 foot tall crab snip your best friend's head off like a frozen yogurt coupon.
Hydrogen: I'm sure the healing process involves lots of dick jokes and quiet hoo-ahs.
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
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Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.