Vegan vegetable chef guy is pissing me off.Those of you with a kind of creepy amount of knowledge about my personal life probably recall that I live with my girlfriend Michelle here in Chicago. We get along great and rarely does it come to throwing objects in our relationship, but we do have one problem and that is I'm not as adventurous as she is. For me ordering pizza and laying on the couch playing "DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball" is my idea of a rewarding Saturday night. As far as I can tell she wants to skydive off of Mount Rushmore while eating rare snake embryos imported from Thailand. Sometimes we compromise and go eat regular Thai food, other times she just has to cut loose and go wild with one of her friends. Such was the case a couple weeks ago when she and her friend went out to dinner together. When she got back I could tell by the look of excitement in her eyes that she had brought me back some sort of treat. Imagine my dismay when instead of a huge slice of chocolate cake she presented me with a pamphlet about the restaurant they went to.

My disappointment quickly evaporated like frosting scraped off the top of a slice of chocolate cake as I leafed through the sheets of paper held together by a paper clip. The restaurant was called "Karyn's" - nothing too exciting there - but even the first page of this brochure on the joint let me know I was in for a wild ride. "The Nature's Healing System is a journey towards reaching goals set for yourself" I read, tapping my cigarette over the ashtray absently.

Karyn doesn't just own a restaurant; she operates a complex and cult-like "detoxification" center. Right next to raw turnip ravioli on the menu at Karyn's is a heaping side order of oxygen bar and spiritual healing. She calls herself a "raw foodist", which means every single thing served at her restaurant is completely raw and vegan. I'm a lifelong vegetarian and even I won't touch most vegan food with a ten foot pole, but Karyn has done vegans one better by removing the unhealthy "toxification" process of cooking from her meals. Want a bean burrito? Sorry, how about a Bean Burro, featuring all the ingredients you love like uncooked beans, guacamole, salsa, sprouts, and cream sauce in a cabbage tortilla. A CABBAGE TORTILLA! The entire nation of Mexico just rolled over in its grave. Maybe try some Beat Seed Cheese which includes the finest cheese ingredients like pumpkin seeds, beets, onion, carrots and garlic. Bad news Karyn, that's not cheese it's a fucking salad, and a crappy one at that.

Hungry for a dessert? Karyn's delicious banana split is a decadent treat containing all of the bananas, cashews, flax seeds, and vanilla you could ever want. Or maybe a nice brownie is more up your alley? Karyn's got one but apparently it's made out of shit so nasty and ridiculous even she won't put it on her menu. It just says "tastes just like the real thing" next to "Brownies". I assume the "thing" she is referring to is the delightful flavor of bile rising in the back of my throat. Your meal just wouldn't be complete without one of the fine selections from Karyn's "Potions" menu, including such delicacies as "Oxygen Drops", "Spirulina", and "Ultimate Meal". I think Spirulina was a Dario Argento movie and if it's anything like "Tenebre" it's not worth the dollar Karyn is trying to charge.

Who needs food at Karyn's when you can purchase a wide assortment of custom detoxification services directly from her menu!? Not I! All I exist on are cups of wheatgrass tea and lymphatic drainage treatment. Journey with me through the sights, sounds, and smells of Karyn's menu of holistic healing services.

Are your reaaaddy for some foooootbaaaaaaaall?!? Oxygen Bath
Cost: $50.00 per session
What Karyn Says: "Sit comfortably in a sauna-like pod that increases the available oxygen to the body over the level of daily function to the level needed to draw toxins from the body. A powerful detoxifier that will leave you invigorated and refreshed, while it regenerates on the cellular level. Sessions last 20-30 min."
What I Say: "What are we, fucking frogs? People don't breathe through their goddamn skin and I guarantee you could fill that sauna-like pod with nitrogen and neither I nor my body's many toxins would notice the difference. Regenerates on the cellular level? What does that even mean? Am I Swamp Thing? If I go in there with my arm cut off will vines start growing out of my chest and turn into an arm? Our body regenerates cells constantly even if we sit there and jab hot irons into our face. Sessions waste 50.00-50.00 dollars."
Almost As Effective As: Rolling the windows down when you're driving on the interstate.

Colon Hydrotherapy
Cost: $60.00 per session
What Karyn Says: "Cleanse and heal the body by relaxing one-on-one with a certified colon therapist using a state of the art apparatus that gently flows tepid water in and out of the body for cleansing and strengthening of the colon muscle tissues. Sessions last 45 min."
What I Say: "Oh, hell no. I don't care how toxic I feel, you are not flowing tepid water anywhere near my colon. I could have cysts made out of radium growing out of my urethra and your colon therapist is not going to sit my digestive tract down on a couch and give it the water torture. If anybody asks, my colon muscle tissues are Herculean. I could pass a whole pizza out of my ass and not even notice it on the way out. People might say I have problems controlling my bowels, but after reading about colon hydrotherapy I like to think positive and just say 'the door is always open'. Yeeuuuugh. Sessions recall brutal prison rapes."
Almost As Effective As: Wading through a bayou.

Lymphatic Drainage
Cost: $50.00 per session
What Karyn Says: "The body's waste pathway, the lymphatic system, very often needs to be cleansed as it cleanses the body. Specially constructed photon beam tubes are placed on the body that stimulate and break up clogged lymph. Duration is 30 min."
What I Say: "Photon means light. I can only assume that a 'photon beam tube' is basically a flashlight. So they're charging 50 dollars to spend a half hour shooting flashlights at my lymph nodes. Here's an idea, how about I keep the 50 bucks Karyn, and you can shine your flashlight at some of your food until it cooks. Let bake for about 10 hours."
Almost As Effective As: A heated game of laser tag.

Are your reaaaddy for some foooootbaaaaaaaall?!?

Live-Cell Analysis
Cost: $65.00 per session
What Karyn Says: "Karyn's Inner Beauty Center now uses the technology of a high-powered microscope to show you your current health condition. This hour-long session will detect any nutritional deficiencies as well as examine the condition of all your major life systems."
What I Say: "Oh hooray! I trust a restaurant to draw my fucking blood and analyze it using the magical high-tech power of a MICROSCOPE! If only Louie Pasteur had thought to use such cutting edge science my life systems might not be so unbelievably overloaded with toxins. Maybe after you find out my blood is 'way too sticky' or 'full of icky crud' you can use a flashlight to shoot photons through my life systems. Wastes an hour of your time."
Almost As Effective As: Placing your ear against someone's arm to listen to their cells.

Ear Coning (Hahahaha!)
Cost: $30.00 per session
What Karyn Says: "An ancient healing art of removing ear wax buildup and foreign matter that has accumulated in the ear canals. It is a gentle, relaxing process, which balances energy, as it removes blockages."
What I Say: "Gahahaha, I don't even know where to start on this one. Ear coning is where they stick rolled up paper in your ear and light it on fire to draw out the bad-bad. Before it was germs it was evil spirits, and if you think sticking burning paper in your ear canal is going to bust the ghosts in your tympanic membrane you need to check yourself before you wriggity-wreck yourself. Foreign matter in my ear canals? What is that Al-Qaeda? Are they dug into my ear and Karyn is going to smoke them out like Operation Karynconda? Ear wax does not come from bees, put away the smoking cones."
Almost As Effective As: Leeches and exorcism.

The services available from Karyn's leave a lot to be desired for a 21st century chain-smoking fatass like me, so I immediately dismissed them all as preposterous new age idiocy. Then as I was flipping through the pages of Karyn's pamphlet I came upon a testimonial from a satisfied customer, and then another, and another. Could I be wrong? Could Karyn really know the secrets to unlock my body's inner potential? Let's take a look at those testimonials and see if we can find out.

"On the second day of the fast I had what is no doubt my most interesting cleansing experience. I was on the trampoline doing my daily routine and I was looking out a skylight. There was a small bird flying in and out of the hollow trunk of a tree. He would go inside and then come out and look around. As I jumped I watched him and actually felt like I had changed places with him. I felt that I could see the entire neighborhood around my house and actually visualized what he must be seeing from up that high. At the same time I envisioned what he would feel like if he were in fact inside the house looking out. What I felt was an overwhelming sense of wanting to be out in the fresh air, out in nature." - Adrienne

I wish I could transform into a bird when doing my trampoline routine under the skylight! I've tried all kinds of different trampolines, magic potions, powerful hallucinogenic drugs, and none of them have worked. If Adrienne is to be believed I guess all it takes is a healthy dose of starvation followed by feeding water up your ass. Sounds like directions to destination: bird!

"If you told me ten years ago that I'd be eating only raw foods, drinking strange tasting green liquid, and sticking tubes up my butt, I'd say 'what the hell are you smoking?' If you want to rocket your life to a positive, powerful place - do the detox/cleanse. […] PS Use lubricant on the bucket catheter." - Johnny

The day I stick a tube up my butt is the day I have colon cancer. In the mean time you can keep your lubricant and bucket catheters to yourself Johnny.

"In fact, I reunite[sic] with my father, whom I had not seen in 11 years!! The benefits from the class outweigh the discomfort of the detox, such as gas constipation and headaches. I recommend the detox to everyone I know!!!!" - Tina

You mean all I have to do is starve myself, get really sick, and then the detox will allow me to reunite with estranged family members? Hallelujah, Karyn is a miracle healer of the body and soul! If you folks are not totally convinced to pay Karyn a visit and chow down on her cabbage wrapped burritos while someone sticks burning cones in your ears and tubes up your ass, then I don't know what else I can do to change your mind.

High-Octane Crap

Hey folks, Taylor "Spaghettiosis" Bell here with a brand-new review of an exceptionally bad game about slowly ramming big trucks into each other! Monster Jam is the name of this week's game, and it's almost as terrible as actual monster truck racing.

Matches are simple demolition derbies, and winning them requires you to sit through a clusterfuck of cars sliding around and humping each other until everybody but you runs out of health. Step one is picking a car, which is made a lot simpler by the fact that none of the cars differ noticeably from each other in any way. Once the match starts you can drive around trying to collect powerups and weapons, but since five solid seconds of machine gun fire does less than half the damage of a collision you’re better off ignoring all the items. UbiSoft attempted to add depth to the matches with “multi-tiered levels”, a gaming term famous for sounding a lot cooler than it really is. All that means is that every single level consists of several big open rooms connected by narrow passageways, most of which you have to uncover by knocking down walls with your truck. For those of you who can’t imagine that a game with this exciting gimmick could possibly be bad, let me remind you that multi-tiered environments were prominently featured in Clay Fighter 63 1/3.

It sounds like gay trucker porn, but it's not! If you don't believe me, see for yourself!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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