The effects of prayer deprivation on membrane homeostasis in protoplasts
H. Bismarck and P. Longjohn
The ability of protoplasts to withstand variations in osmotic pressure is proof of a divine creator. We will examine the relationship between prayer and protoplastic membrane resilience by bombarding samples ex situ with levels of prayer varying from no prayer to constant prayer. Solute concentration will be increased incrementally until observers feel lysis is approaching. All cells will be stopped short of cell death and transplanted back into their original growth medium as ordained by God in the miracle of bacterial colonization of an agar plate.
Proposal REJECTED - Even respectful meddling with God's cells is too near to blasphemy!
Oil and the Vapor Canopy: locating crude deposits through the applied principles of flood geology
Creation scientific evidence suggests the world was once surrounded by a layer of atmospheric water that collapsed and condensed on the land in a catastrophic event. Using the knowledge that this event wiped out nearly all life on earth, we will find low spots where dead bodies collected during the upheaval to derive techniques for locating crude oil formed many hundreds of years ago and then placed by God beneath dinosaur bones.
Proposal REJECTED - Unfortunately, we just switched our curriculum to the Hydroplate hypothesis coupled with ice meteor flood geology, so Vapor Canopy related research is no longer welcome. Luckily for Mr. Snelling it only requires a year to complete our doctoral program.
Identifying evil music by spotting devil faces in audio waveforms
R. Roll and D. Metalson
Since the advent of musical acts like Jars of Clay and Creed it has been difficult to separate Christian messages from potentially evil songwriting. We intend to test a means to visibly differentiate good music from evil music by studying audio waveforms on our advanced computer. The control group in this experiment will be waveforms derived from an audio recording of Pastor Ed Willickspray snoring softly after lengthy prayer. Experimental and potentially sin-cursed subjects will include Rocket Man by Elton John (known homosexual), Nights in White Satin by Moody Blues (confirmed psychadelics), and Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen (verified unkempt). We will visually search moving waveforms for signs of recognizable devil faces or sinister faces. This will be correlated with scientific backmasking searches for the frequency of devil laughs and cackles on each song. The two will allow us, at long last, to empirically graph the evilness of a song.
Proposal ACCEPTED - Great follow-on to last year's "pollution and devil faces in smoke" study that disproved man-made global warming. If this experiment succeeds begin on the catalog of "rappists" and "hip-hoppers" immediately. Those songs are creeping out of the godless urban areas of America and corrupting the succulent youths of the suburbs. I haven't seen such a nightmare since Elvis Presley.
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
Hey, have you guys ever seen a picture of a cat before? Well, guess what. It’s your lucky day, because I’m mixing the concept of a picture of my cat with the concept of the Internet!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.