Baby, I didn't mean it like that. No, baby, I didn't know she was your cousin. I thought you just worked together or something. I didn't realize.

No, baby, no, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry baby. It wasn't a thing. I just, I was drunk, first of all, and I went in the wrong room at the hotel at Brenda's wedding. I thought it was our room and I just laid down and you started kissing on me and then we were like halfway through and then the moonlight caught your face but it was your cousin, baby. It was an accident.

Baby, no, stop! I'm sorry! Yes, I did. I admit it. I set fire to your car baby, but it isn't like that. There was some leaves I was burning out back, by the garage, and then I got distracted, and Theo called me and wanted to talk about gutters or something. And then I just, I might, I guess I got overzealous, baby. Your car was looking sort of like a leaf. There was smoke all up in my eyes.

Baby, come on, they were watering. They were all red. Smoke everywhere. I just, I'm sorry baby, I'll make it up to you, baby.

Nooo! Baby! How can you even say that? Your favorite boots?

Yes, baby, okay, I did piss in them while you were asleep. No, no, baby. It was dark and the- you know that night light, the one that has that double-side tape on the back and you stick it up on the wall and press the dome. The battery was out, baby. I really had to go. No...I mean, yes, baby, I knew it was a boot, but I thought they were my work boots. And then it happened again later, cuz you know I got that late night pees condition, and so I got the other one and filled it up too, but no, baby. It wasn't on purpose, are you kidding me?

You're taking this all wrong, baby! I didn't mean it at all like you're saying. You got to get the facts straight. I didn't do nothing to Woofy. I mean, I did something. I was just taking care of him. You said I had to take better care of him, right? So I had to go out and I thought it would be smart to put him somewhere. And you know they always have on the news how the dogs are dying in cars cuz of the heat? Right, baby? Right? You know that, baby.

I put Woofy in the pool to stay cool. Wait, baby! Come on, listen! Look, baby! Dogs can swim! They wouldn't have named a swimming move after dogs if dogs couldn't swim. He was swimming when I left, baby. He looked just fine. I even put that alligator float thing in there in case he wanted to climb up on it. So, look, I- well, I didn't want to bury him. You said, I know- Come on, baby! The freezer was a perfectly good place to-

Now, baby, don't start in with that. To be perfectly honest you knew I had two warrants out for me. That was like out there in the open when we started our relationship, so that is why I couldn't just go to a gun shop and buy a firearm. You knew about the priors, where do you think I am going to get a machine gun? No, of course baby, I was just worried about your safety. I was looking out for you.

They said what? No, baby. Don't listen to those evil lies. I wasn't involved in- well, okay, yeah if you have seen the footage. I did shoot up a grade school, but they had a bomb. Baby, they kidnapped me. They tied me up and-no, look, look at my shoulder right here. No, lower. There are still bruises from the bomb strap. No, that is a bruise! Baby, wait, come on. Don't leave like that. Hold up. I aimed up at the wall, how was I supposed to know about ricochets going around or whatever?

Your mother? No, baby. Whoever told you that is a- she did? Are you sure it wasn't just somebody messing with you on the phone? Oh, you went there in person? To the hospital? Baby, I was just - well, not that I know baby. I had just built this special chair out of one of those shower chairs for handicapped people. You know, baby. I like to try to invent. So I made one that had a mechanic's dolly underneath the chair, so you could like, I don't know, a doctor could look at if-

Hang on baby, I don't know. I'm just telling you the truth now. So I had the invention all set up and I was filling out the patents and- Yeah, baby, the patents. You know, Mondo is a patent attorney. He's got all sorts of patents filed. I don't know baby, like a helicopter for ducks or something, I don't remember. We are getting off subject here. The point is, I thought it was important I test it out and then I had to go number two and I-

Baby, I had no idea your mom was even in the house. How was I supposed to know she was messing around with my invention. Baby, now, baby, listen. I'm sorry, baby. Wait. I didn't know she had her mouth open. Baby. No, baby, hold on. Let me explain.

A horse? No, baby. There is no such thing as a centaur. That's hysterical that you think that. No, I ain't laughing. It's just a man can't cross over with a horse, it's just not medically possi- well, a pony is different. My eyes? Baby, wait! I can explain!

Wait up, baby, let me-

Plutonium!? Baby, I got no idea!

Baby, wait! Where are you going!? Baaaaby!!!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.