Before launching into the boatload of content for today, I'd like to make a couple announcements.

A news archive section has been added. Note that the news archives only go back a little over a month. This is because since I do all of SA's updates by hand and don't use a news program, I only have archives of the crap that I remembered to copy and save myself. I'll keep doing it for now on, unless I forget. I'll try to remember not to forget. To remember. What was I talking about again?

Something Awful now has the almighty power of File Cauldron working behind it! Yes, all your downloads from SA will now be courtesy of the amazing File Cauldron service, coded by the legendary Radium (formerly of "Radium's Half Life Map Suppository" or whatever it was called). He used to work for Gamespy before he realized working for them is liking being in a WWII concentration camp, only with slightly more video game machines. Now he works somewhere else. I forget where, I think it's some kind of adult bookstore or something.

Next time you head over to Something Awful's download section and grab some file like the star-spangled song "Insects", you can be sure you'll get a reliable download thanks to File Cauldron. What exactly is this incredibly useful and wonderful program? I'm not sure, but it does include a picture of a witch on it, so you know it has to be good! Whatever the hell it is.

I have to address this before I move on. Remember the guy who wrote in a couple days ago, asking why I was hosting a notorious hacker like Jeff K. who could possibly get my entire site in trouble for being affiliated with him? I was fortunate enough to get a follow up email from this genius.

From: Chuckles
Subject: not funny

why did you put my email i sent you up there? i was trying to warn you. why did you make fun of me? last time i help you.

Chuckles
Some people just don't get it. I mean... sigh. Nevermind. Somebody drop this guy a clue for me?

An ICQ prank? On Something Awful? Hell yes! I apologize in advance for the three-month lull since the last prank, but I haven't really done a good or entertaining one, and I try to refrain from posting as much blatantly unfunny crap on SA as possible. Yes, you read that correctly, there's actually stuff that I consider to be TOO crappy for SA. Amazing, eh? Anyway, head on over and check out the latest prank, "The Bat Farm". It's about... well... read it and see.

Noah is back and boy, is he pissed! Milquetoast takes a critical look at Super 3D Noah's Ark in the latest ROM Pit review. Did he like what he saw? Folks, this game isn't showing up on a site named "Something Awful" for no reason.

Early in the game, you'll find mainly rampant goats and sheep, whose tactical paucity makes them easy targets - back up and shoot them until they're dead. Be wary, though, their lack in individual intelligence is made up for in numbers. In the month or so aboard the ark, two goats have multiplied into two thousand. Frisky creatures, ain't they? As the game progresses, the enemies get smarter. By level five you're matching wits with cows who emit some kind of projectile venom and hide behind loose objects. Some thanks for saving the bastards from the damned apocalypse!

Yes, it's a first person shooter that takes place aboard Noah's Ark. Don't ask... just read.

Squonkamatic... the guy's INSANE! THREE more terrible Quake 3: Arena maps reviewed for today? You'd better believe it, sister!

Then you add things like see-through stairs, a teleporter, a jump pad, and other semi functional items that aren't really needed (my favorite is the little damage inflicting waffle iron structure floating in the air), and pepper the map with the most unlikely collection of powerups and weapons one can conceive of placed inside each of the boxes. The final touch is to leave the map "unsealed" and enclose it all in a huge block of space texture (here it is what I recognize as being a Quake2 space texture ... interesting) so that the player can be propelled out of the map by the jump pad extraneously included on the roof into orbit, and fall back to splat on the lowest floor. This map is truly a marvel.

We're going to be setting up an official Cranky Steve's Haunted Whorehouse SA server soon, so I advise you to check out the reviews and become acquainted with these Godawful maps as soon as possible. You can also download them by using File Cauldron! WOW!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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