This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: September 6, 1978

SUBJECT: Swimming in the Soup Vats

I am the only son of a bitch in this company allowed to swim in the soup vats. Nobody else. I can swim in the soup vats whenever I damn well please because this is my soup company. If you don't like that, go ahead and start your own soup company.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: September 23, 1978

SUBJECT: VERMIN

If you spot any squirrels or other vermin on or around the plant you are to notify Mike Grimes immediately. Mike will get me, and I will come shoot and dispose of the vermin myself. Do not come directly to me. Do not attempt to shoot the vermin yourself. Only I can am permitted to carry out this task. If the vermin is already dead, notify Mike anyway and I will come clean it up.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: September 28, 1978

SUBJECT: Tall Charlie's Alcoholism

Making light of Tall Charlie's drinking problems will not be tolerated. The next one of you knuckleheads to draw attention to this will have to best him in a drinking contest. If you lose, you lose your job. If you win, you earn Tall Charlie's job and he's fired.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: October 3, 1978

SUBJECT: Soup Ingredients

The next one of you idiots to question the recipe of one of my soups will end up with a boot to the ass. If you've got a good idea for a soup, then have the balls to pitch it to me mano-a-mano. And for the last time, none of this homo bullcrap. We're a manly soup company, and we use manly ingredients. I will go to my grave with only an abstract understanding of what a cucumber or eggplant is, and I am damn proud of that.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.