This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 19, 1979 8:25 AM

SUBJECT: I am having a heart attack. What's your excuse?

I am having a heart attack right now. Yet I am here, at work, doing my job. I will continue doing my job until I am dead or the end of the work day. I expect the same out of all of you. If you have a problem with this, I invite you to start your own successful soup company and put me out of business.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 19, 1979 9:15 AM


In case you failed to comprehend the meaning of my last memo, I AM DYING OF A HEART ATTACK. I do not have time for your small, trivial problems or your questions about my health. If I wanted to chat with you, I would invite you over for dinner. With the exception of Manuel Rodriguez, I do not like any of you enough to ever do that.

I will deal with this heart attack in my own way. Do not bother me or try to help me. Do not knock on the door or try to knock it down. Do not call the hospital. No matter how much I may scream or plead otherwise, let me handle this matter on my own.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 19, 1979 10:07 AM

SUBJECT: Somebody find my idiot rockabilly son

I want my idiot son brought in the office and pronto. If I am to die, I want one last opportunity to tell him what a failure he is and how I hope all of his stupid dreams get crushed.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 19, 1979 10:57 AM

SUBJECT: Toilet Flush

In between gasping for air I heard the distinct sound of a toilet flushing. Every last one of you sons of bitches knows my policy on toilet flushes. Don't think that just because I am barely clinging to life you have the right to override my authority. I am not dead yet, so don't even think you can spit on my grave.

To make up for the higher water bill caused by wasteful flushing, tomorrow will be a "No Flush Tuesday."

Also, where is my disappointment of a son? Get him here now.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

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