This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: October 8, 1978


I am getting sick and tired of you nancies mucking up my brand-new parking lot. From now on, only designated employees may park in the employee parking lot. Wondering if you are designated? Ask yourself this: are you me? You are not me, so you are not designated.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: October 16, 1978

SUBJECT: Excessive Potato Appearing in Soups

Whoever told that idiot Russ Studebaker to add more potatoes to the mix better come forward immediately. I know Russ isn't smart enough to come up with an idea like this, so one of you is to blame. Potatoes aren't cheap and until the culprit fesses up I am deducting the cost of the extra potatoes from everyone's pay. Maybe next time you will think twice before giving Russ Studebaker any bright ideas.

And Russ Studebaker is now fired. Clean out your desk, Russ.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: October 22, 1978

SUBJECT: Pointless Blabbering on Company Time

Every Monday I overhear you idiots blabbering on and on about your weekends. I don't pay you to talk about your off time. Since you are on my time at work, you will refrain from talking about this weekend until the following weekend.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: October 26, 1978

SUBJECT: Soupyard Etiquette

The horses out in the soupyard are not for riding or petting. Only I am allowed to engage the horses, and I will do so for only one reason: to inform them of their impending doom. Those are meat horses and will be treated as such.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: November 4, 1978

SUBJECT: Congratulations to the Employee of the Month!

Bear Cave Soup Co. is proud to announce its first-ever Employee of the Month: Yours Truly. If you don't like me being the Employee of the Month, I suggest you start your own company. Without me, none of you would have jobs. I think that alone puts me head and shoulders above everyone else here.

Please do not congratulate me, as I have no desire to hear any of you speak.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: November 12, 1978

SUBJECT: Talking Bad About the Boss

Tall Charlie has informed me that some of you ingrates are speaking ill of me. As I am a fair and reasonable man, you should come speak to me directly. I want you all to know that I am more than willing to fight anybody here who has a problem with me, and I am not afraid to fight dirty. So, man up and tell me what you really think about me, and we will settle our differences out in the soupyard.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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