Greetings online Internet user! I am new at the computer Something Awful update machine, so forgive me if I make any grave transgressions during this maiden voyage. I happened to be writing for Copper Miners Quarterly in northern Michigan when I got the call from Mr. Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka. He was looking to give Something Awful an exciting new "rock n' roll" edge that would bring back the energy of the mid 60's without having to pay any money whatsoever. Money was an issue since I have car payments, random gambling debts, and a gram a day coke habit, but we worked out a deal where I get 5% profit from every white extra-large polo shirt sold. So please join me as I take you on a magical carpet ride of wonder and whimsy, most likely killing you and / or a loved one due to the fact that carpets can't fly. Enjoy!
Introduction to Farming
I have no fucking clue what's going on in this picture
In this guide to the basics of farming, I shall cover everything concerning this little known world, giving you all the facts from an insider's point of view. I know a lot about this subject, as I grew up on a farm in rural Michigan and slept in a barn during the summer months. This enables me to show up at fancy gatherings and put my muddy boots on the silk tablecloth, prompting the hostess to scream, "what are you doing, were you raised in a barn?", to which I smugly nod, causing roaring laughter and guffaws among the guests and improving my social standing with the important lords and ladies of high society. Yes, farming truly is the backbone of this great country! Farms keep the belly of the industrial giant called America full of corn, wheat, pork, and tobacco so it can get on with its busy day of making guns and masturbating in the tub. When you go into a store and put a box of Fruity Pebbles into your cart, how do you think they got there? The Fruity Pebble fairy? The Koreans? Nope; some farmer somewhere in America got on his hands and knees, picked some rice out of the ground, dyed it an assortment of fruity colors, and put it in a box priced at $3.89. Every single package of Corn Flakes, Grape Nuts, Cool Ranch Doritos, Milk Duds, and Circus Peanuts is delivered by farmers from mother earth's fertile vagina. As you can clearly see, farming is a pretty important subject that needs to be passed on to younger generations, especially to the "Internet crowd" who regards nature as their most hated foe and tend to scream "WTF!" when a ray of sunlight touches them. It is the goal of this handy guide to teach the masses of bloated, pale youth how to live off the land with nothing more than their hands and a Bible, because they're going to need it when Y3K rolls around and turns their precious Internet into a barren wasteland like in "Mad Max" but with less guys sporting mohawks on dune buggys. This is probably the most important thing you will ever read in your entire life, and if you just skim it looking for the juicy love scenes, you will die a horrible death that I can only imagine has to do with not knowing about farming.
How to Start Farming
I've learned from experience that before you start farming, you must acquire a plot of land. I've also learned firsthand that the plot of land must be flat with mineral-rich soil, not a mosquito infested swampland located in Florida that you purchased from a random e-mail message with the promise of quick riches or more hair through farming. Once you acquire a piece of land, you must build a farmhouse and a barn. The farmhouse is for you to live in of course, but the barn is the most essential. Often called the "heart" of the farm, the barn is the place where you will keep your equipment, animals, bales of hay, and porno magazines. As far as equipment goes, you might want to buy a hoe or a plow or something. I'm not "hip" with the newfangled robots tilling the earth these days, and frankly I think their evil Jap circuits are plotting a hostile takeover of God's America by seizing the food supply and shooting it into the sun. But I'm old fashioned; for a good start on your animal herds, you should purchase 24 piglets (pink), 40 chickens with four roosters who will get a shitload of action, eight cows and a bull, and a monkey to keep you company during the long winter months. It's also a good idea to get a shotgun for shooting trespassers like those sassy Hobbits who steal your crop and go on magical adventures. Here are some of the things you want to do when starting a new farm. Trust me on this, I'm an expert.
Employ small black children for best results
I'm no expert, but if you just randomly throw seeds all over the ground, there's not a great chance of success when growing plants. You must dig rows in the dirt field and place the seed in the rows exactly your penis length apart. So like for me that would be 14 inches, give or take 13 inches. But that's not all, plants need food to grow. You should eat as many White Castle hamburgers as you can, then fertilize the seeds with your enriched droppings. Months later your crop will be as tall as Manute Bol in high heels and ready for the eating, like Manute Bol in high heels. Naturally they will taste like your feces, but they are very good for you. Oh, I almost forgot, you need water too. So make sure your farm is in Seattle or Portland or the ocean.
Chase the piglets around the farm with an axe while screaming. This will not only build their muscles and make them strong for the winter, but it is also a hoot and a half. If they stop running from you when you chase them, this means they no longer fear you, and a bloody revolt is brewing. Unless you act quickly, they will rise against you, perhaps even in secret alliance with the chickens or cows. If this happens, your farm and life are forfeit, so you must find the leader and drive the an axe into it's skull in front of the other pigs, effectively scaring them back into their respective places in the farm community.
Erect a scarecrow in the middle of your field using hay and old clothes. The purpose of the scarecrow is to scare crows away from your crop, but the crows have grown wise over the years and no longer fear it. That is why you must install a SAM missile battery underneath the scarecrow to intercept any rogue birds that enter the no-fly zone that resides over your farm. Once a few antiaircraft missiles incinerate some crows, they will learn to steal from another farm without a missile defense system. Of course another option is to use a real dead body, like that kid whose dirt bike keeps scaring the chickens.
Store all bomb making equipment in your barn for safety and handy access during the Michigan Militia meetings. It's a good idea to have the whole farm wired up to blow if you are raided by the FBI or ATF, although I speak from personal experience when I say to never leave the bomb detonator out in the open. One day ole Spanky (a pig) hit the trigger with its nose, blowing Uncle Cecil straight into the air without his arms or legs. He then landed in a big willow tree where he remained until the end of his days a few months later when we shot him for being annoying by screaming so loud.
Don't forget to use animal euphemisms like "I'm as nervous as a six-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs", or "I'm more confused than a three-legged pig at a square dance." This is how people know you're a farmer.
I had another real good tip about farming, but I can't really recall any specific examples at this moment. My memory hasn't been that good since I dropped some brown acid a hobo gave me. Hopefully I'll remember by the end of this update.
FARMING TIP #1: DON'T TAKE BROWN ACID FROM STRANGE HOBOS
A True Story About Farming
Let me take a quick time out here to tell you a true story that really happened to me on my farm a few years back. My brother and his two kids lived with me and everything was going great, but one day a crop circle appeared in our cornfield. Then crop circles start appearing all over the world. I started questioning my faith in God, then I heard reports over the radio that every major city was being attacked by aliens. Thankfully I destroyed the aliens with a large stick and a cup of water. I went on to sell my story to a major motion picture company for millions (of dollars). You too can become rich like me through farming through a combination of hard work, dedication, and alien invasions.
FARMING TIP #2: WATER KILLS ALIENS
Some More Shit About Farming
When you are planning to take up a career as a farmer, you have to ask yourself: "Why the hell am I doing this, and what do I need to know? What is it all about? Where the hell am I?" Those are all excellent questions. When you get down to the hardcore fundamentals of farming, you only have two things: plants and animals. Lets go into a little more detail about these things so you can get a grasp of what you will be dealing with on a daily basis. Take my word for it, I'm a professional.
Harvesting corn elevates you to the level of a GOD.
Corn - I'm not a professional farmer in the least, but I do know that corn is the most important plant in the fruit kingdom and it grows from the ground. It's used to make a lot of stuff like popcorn, cornuts, canned corn, corn on the cob, cornbread, and that candy corn stuff that tastes like ear wax. It is the most wholesome and American of crops, although around 1840 during the Battle of Waterloo, the secret recipe was stolen by the Mexicans and bastardized in taco form. Remember the Alamo? I don't, I was too young at the time.
Chickens - To grow chickens, you must feed them the corn. And then when they are fat, you eat them, defecate in the field, and grow more corn. It is all part of the farming circle of life. Chickens are terribly stupid, even more than most animals. I once cut one's head off and it still ran around for like 30 seconds. They are so dumb that they don't even know that they're supposed to die when their head is cut off! Chicken meat is used to make roasted chicken, broasted chicken, and toasted chicken.You can also make fried chicken (I'M NOT GOING THERE).
Potatoes (Po-tay-toes) - The second most important plant is kind of hard to grow but it sure is tasty. Although they have eyes, they cannot speak, therefore you may commit your crimes of passion before your field of potatoes without fear of them telling the proper authorities. They are used to make McDonalds french fries, Burger King french fries, and to a lesser extent Wendy's french fries. As I mentioned before, be on the lookout for stupid fat hobbits, for they crave this food and may steal some to eat whilst on their magical adventure.
Pigs - Who are they to say a relationship cannot be forged between man and beast? The cretins are ignorant of the fact that the union can grow and blossom, turning into true love, something nobody can take away from you, no matter how many citations and warnings they hand out. If the state tries to take Jennifer away, I swear to God I'll take them all with me in a glorious explosion.
A lot of other plants and fruits - There is tons of stuff you can grow, but I can't really get into it right now for personal reasons I'd rather not get into over the Internet (bathroom problems).
Here's me winning a ribbon for my prize pig and lover, Jennifer. Then this crazy zombie child steals my award. What's up with that?
FARMING TIP #3: BEWARE OF ZOMBIE CHILDREN STEALING YOUR HARD EARNED AWARDS
Conclusion About Farming
I hope this "Farming for Complete Retards" guide was helpful in some way. I think it's really important to keep educating the new generation of computer jerks about this wonderful lifestyle that puts the food on the table while they download their furry porn and Bit Torrent the entire "Sanford and Son" series. The news for the farmers has been nothing but woe for the last 20 years. With banks foreclosing on private farms across the country and corporate farms taking over like a one eyed hog at a Polish rodeo (farmer euphemism), it is up to us, the next generation, to keep this great tradition alive. We are the future of tomorrow or something to that effect. Think about it, won't you? Happy farming!
State Og Would Like a Word With You
Hello you pink and somewhat sentient readers, this is Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell reporting in. As your State Og Representative, I'm here to spread the word about our new update and possibly spread diseases with funny names while I'm at it, like scabies and scurvy. Oh scurvy, you crack me up with your purple swellings, bleeding of the gums, and whatnot. I think it's in your best interest to hurry up and take a look at our newest update before you catch something:
Our Ministry of Food Research has come up with an innovative new way to eat healthy: Negative Cholesterol Eggs. Unlike low cholesterol eggs, our eggs actually remove cholesterol from your body. How is this possible? Negative Cholesterol Eggs don't come from chickens, they come from the demon lord Massh'knarrth! Once inside your body, His undying spawn awaken and wage fierce war on all cholesterol they find. With razor sharp claws and teeth, the tiny army will tear right through fat, muscle and bone to get at undesirable cholesterol, then ignite it and dance around the tiny bonfire.
The only excuse for not reading State Og is if your Og Tech computer monitor suddenly bursts into flames and releases a thick fog of nerve gas, then you discover that the State Og Gas Mask which came with the monitor is somehow filled with tapioca pudding, which is not a breathable substance last we checked. Head on over and read State Og!
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Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
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