This weekend I received a partial leaked script from a friend of mine working behind the scenes on the CBS remake of The Six Million Dollar Man. It seems like it might turn out even better than the excellent remake of The Bionic Woman, but we'll have to see. No word on when it will air, but there are rumors circulating it may actually run opposite The Bionic Woman if that show returns for a second season. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy the partial script sent to me by my friend.


STEVE AUSTIN and MELODIE JENNINGS are at a skateboarding stunt park frequented by teenagers. The kids are all worked up and cheering. Steve is about to perform his big stunt on a skate ramp. NATHAN DARKALON watches from the edge of the stunt park.

This is going to totally own.

Steve Austin, no one has ever tried this jump before. It's too high!

Melodie Jennings, you are sweet, but I have got to do this for my dad who died in Iraq.

He would want you to be safe. Stay safe.

(yelling contemptuously)
Are you chicken, Austin? Are you gonna do this or what?

Steve kisses Melodie and then straps on his camouflaged helmet. It has his dad's name on it, ROCK AUSTIN, and a hole where the sniper's bullet killed him. Steve says a quick silent prayer to a Christian god and kicks off down the ramp. He picks up speed, faster and faster.

CUT to awe-struck crowd reactions. SLOW MOTION of Melodie yelling.

Steve explodes into the air, flying higher and higher. He's going to make it. He's going to make it. CRUNCH! His head hits the ramp, his body twists completely around. Steve is DEAD.


More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.