The Microsoft Store

- Xbox One* without Kinect : $350

- Xbox One with Kinect : $100

- Xbox One without Xbox One : $500

*Note: All Xbox One models come with momentary excitement about the purchase of a new console at a cheap price, followed by a flash of disappointment when the system first loads, which ushers in seven years of gradually mounting regret

Forever Crud Buckets

- Buy one crud bucket, take a peek at a second crud bucket FREE

- Buy two crud buckets, touch a third crud bucket for half price

- Buy three crud buckets, get a photo of yourself with a fourth crud bucket (not touching) FREE

Target

- 300-inch HDTV for only $450*

*With agreement to stay in my barn overnight without touching any of my three attractive and brazenly flirtatious nineteen year olds

Skeleton Warriors R Us

- Purchase any skeleton, get a month's supply of skeleton food (apples) and a barrel for it to hide in for free

Amazon

Pictured: Nonsense- Echo is the holiday's biggest item. It's like a speaker, but not great. It's also like Siri, but not as good and without a screen to display anything useful. It's also like an MP3 player, only not portable and without a bunch of storage.

For a limited time, customers who purchase Echo will receive the following at no cost:

  • Targeted ads
  • 24/7 collection of user data, which will be sold to third parties

Legitimate Dave's Flight School

- Buy one pilot lesson, get all the refried beans you can hold in your hands for the duration of the lesson free!

GameStop

- Trade in any sports game, get a crate of Lee Trevino's Sensual Golf

Yoga Without Ghosts

- Sign up for 3 or more months of Yoga Without Ghosts, get a complimentary yoga mat and 50-pound bag of salt.

Put the SALT around your MAT in a CIRCLE. CLOSE THE CIRCLE. If it is not UNBROKEN you will experience HAUNTINGS. This is the SPIRIT WORLD crossing over into the CORPOREAL world which we all imagine to see when we are in the PHASE of existence we have deemed "AWAKE". Your SOUL can only withstand TEN such visitations before succumbing to the OTHER DUST and transitioning into its MIST state.

ALSO be sure to HOLD your POSES for the full duration in order to maintain FIRM thighs.

Best Buy

- Buy One Blu-Ray, Get Ten Free*

*Offer only valid with select titles: Step Up 3, You Got Served 2, Stomp Another Yard, Rich Girl Poor Guy Dance And Win, Duck Dynasty (Seasons 1-9), Scoot Stain Kings, The Very Best Of Tosh.0

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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