We now pronounce a moratorium on all Breaking Bad themed Halloween costumes. This, in effect, ceases all wearing of hazmat suits, porkpie hats, and any pairing of underwear/oxfords outside of Risky Business references. The ban goes into effect immediately.
The transition to a post Breaking Bad Halloween will be difficult for some, but good for all. Since the show’s origin, there has been an overreliance on “meth cook” by a small but annoying minority. For years, these people have plagued parties with blue tinted rock candy, with wads of fake cash, with shouts of “Bitch!”
For those of you considering one last wear, please consider the consequences. Your costume is at this time neither relevant nor timeless. It is the Halloween equivalent of a CSI rerun on TNT. People will see you and say, “I didn’t know that was still a thing.” The public’s memory of the show is being eaten away each October by your laziness. Instead of recalling the writing or acting or suspenseful plotting, they are forced to come face to face with a halfassed costume. And if that’s what they think about the worn out plastic bag, imagine what they think about the lazy body underneath.
This is a good time to mention that 2008 was a long time ago. Obama was elected for his first term, the Olympics were in China, Heath Ledger died, and Bryan Cranston wore a yellow plastic suit for the first time. These are no longer culturally relevant references. It is now weird to forcibly bring them up in conversation. It is weirder to dress up as them. And it is weirdest to tap others on the shoulder demanding them to “say my name.” Your costume was not a Halloween retirement plan. It was never supposed to last. It has died. You are now dressed as The Ghost of Annoying Outdated Shit and you’re bothering the hell out of everyone.
Worse still is that since the show’s finale in 2013, the quality of costumes has eroded. Hazmat suits have become yellow ponchos, respirators are now drywall face masks. At what point can we even separate a Walter White reference from an ordinary asbestos remover?
It ends now.
This ruling also bans all Breaking Bad derivatives. No zombie meth cooks, no sexy meth cooks, no anime meth cooks, no memed out meth cooks, no Mexican Day of the Dead meth cooks, no vampire meth cooks, no Dr. Who meth cooks. No exceptions.
There are some exceptions: If you currently shave your head or sport a goatee, you are exempt from needing to change, but will no longer be able to blame your bad taste and male pattern baldness on Walter White. Instead, we recommend facing the fact that you are older and uglier than you feel.
The Pontiac Aztek is also exempt.
We hope that this is helps create a better Halloween for everyone. Next year we’re coming for Heath Ledger’s Joker.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.