Congratulations, recruit! You have successfully completed MOUT and Desert Operations training, Offensive Driving Instruction, and Civilian Center Mass Management. Before you can be fully certified as a Blackwater TacOps Specialist you must first complete the written portion of the examination process. The written exam will test your recollection of the Field Operations Manual and your ability to apply knowledge gained during training to real world scenarios.
You will now be presented with seven hypothetical scenarios. You will be given four possible solutions to each scenario, but only one is the correct solution. Answer these questions to the best of your ability. Your examiner will time your testing. When you hear the buzzer you must place your pencil on your desktop and wait for the examiner to collect your completed test.
1. You are transporting a VIP from an airport to a secured location in an up-armored Cadillac Escalade. As you are traveling along a country road a shepherd and a flock of sheep are blocking the road. How do you handle the situation?
a) Calmly maneuver the vehicle off-road and apply the horn to ensure no animals stray into your path.
b) Warn the shepherd to move out of the way by discharging your sidearm into his face.
c) Turn up the stereo as loud as possible and tell your transport team to "get ready" as you laugh and try to wing sheep in the head with live flashbangs.
d) Call in an air strike.
2. You have been tasked with securing a landing zone for a VIP transport helicopter, but an elderly trader refuses to remove the blanket of trinkets he is selling and vacate the area. How do you make the trader clear the area?
a) Dispense an appropriate amount of discretionary cash to buy the trader's wares and send him on his way.
b) Try reasoning with the trader's clavicle using your collapsible baton.
c) Calmly hand the trader your collapsible baton and then back away slowly before screaming, "He's got a grenade!"
d) Call in an air strike.
3. You are transporting a VIP through a contested urban area in a convoy of up-armored Chevy Suburbans. You are in the tail vehicle when you notice a car full of natives approaching to within 50 feet of your rear bumper. How do you let them know they need to back away?
a) Tap your brakes three times and gesture with a weapon. If necessary fire a warning shot near the vehicle.
b) Fire into the driver's side windshield of the car, then begin firing into front windshields of nearby cars. Videotape this and post it on the Internet.
c) Slam on your brakes so they rear-end your vehicle, then dismount to request their insurance information and/or spray the vehicle with bullets and then throw a grenade through the shattered driver's side door.
d) Air strike, yo. Call it in.
Finding the right hat can feel like walking through a minefield for guys. Did a murderer wear your hat? Was it ruined by bros? Are you just an idiot? Find out with our authoritative ranking of bad hats.
The Amazonians value combat prowess and purity of spirit. By wrestling half naked, they pay homage to both virtues by displaying their battle-forged bodies while preserving as much modesty as their society deems necessary. The gelatin in which they wrestle is symbolic of the fluid nature of battle, a concept the Amazonians call ‘akgor-gra.’
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.