Some crazy-ass shit

OK meatbags, Richard asked me to update his dumbass geek web site today since he slipped and got hit in the head by an empty Jack Daniels bottle I threw at him when he came to my door yesterday at 3pm. I wasn't drunk, its just that the damn street light outside my house never works and I couldn't see for shit what was going on outside, and that thing keeps me up all goddamn night. The power company won't turn the fucker off, and so I got light shining in at all godawful hours of the night and I can't sleep worth shit. I'm not some obese computer slob so I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing with this update, so don't blame me if you jerkwads don't like it because I've got better things to do. AND STOP FUCKING SENDING ME E MAIL all the time cause I don't give a shit and yes, you're friend's very fucking ugly but I won't put him on my page because I don't want to get some rare disease by posting the picture.

Fatmouthed Broads and the Fucked up Legal System in America Today

I've been reading the news on this inter-net this week because my radio broke after I threw it at Jake Stein's fat bitch of a daughter who won't stop dropping church leaflets on my porch. I'm boycotting the church until they let me take my whisky in for medicinal purposes. You can forget Christian charity in West Appleton, those fuckers expect me to sit in their frozen shit-tip for an hour while my war wound in my ankle is killing me. I met the Pope back in '61 and he tried to grab my girlfriend's ass. You can't trust those gays.

Anyway this shit shows you what a goddamn screwup the legal system is in today. Get this:

MIAMI (AP) -- Mayor Joe Carollo's wife told police he hit her in the head with a canister last month after an argument in which she tried to explain how to make tea.

The Miami Police Department on Wednesday, in response to a judge's order, released the transcript of Maria Ledon Carollo's statement to police and photos taken of her after the incident.

The mayor is charged with misdemeanor simple battery, which is punishable by a maximum one-year term in county jail, for allegedly throwing a cardboard tea canister at his wife and causing a lump on her head. As a first time offender, he would likely receive a lighter punishment if convicted.

I mean what the fuck? What sort of country are we living in where a man can't even throw a fucking cardboard box at his wife without cops jumping all over his ass? Huh? Christ, I know for a fact that Police Chief Atkins swings at his wife with a 5 iron when she gets catty with him. Although I really doubt it makes much impression on the "7th-generation F.L.A.B. armour" her vast blob-like body is protected by.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE:

Mrs. Carollo, who filed for divorce in November, told police she and the mayor began arguing in the kitchen the morning of Feb. 7, according to the transcript. The mayor asked her how to make tea, and she told him to fill a pot with water and let it boil. He asked again if he was supposed to fill the pot with water.

"No, point your finger and water will appear," Mrs. Carollo recalled saying.

Yeah, real funny you smartass harlot. If my wife had ever tried to pull that shit with me I'd probably have smashed every plate in the kitchen over her ugly head. And then made her clean up the mess. I mean Jesus, when was the last time you heard of serious injury caused by a cardboard box of tea being thrown at someone? Dumb cow should have thanked her weasel politician husband for shutting her up before she made herself look even more stupid. I hope they both kill each other by stuffing wads of teabags into their windpipes. If I had any energy, I'd drive down there and do it for them, but my bum ankle is acting up and I want to watch USA Up All Night tonight because it's "Bimbo Beachhouse" or some shit like that with big fucking boobs.

Title goes here what the fuck

I also wrote an article to help you clowns out because god knows you need all the help you can get. Although why I bother providing it I don't know. maybe I was drunk. Its an article about stress relief and I deliberately made sure it was written in simple terms even clueless cretins like yourselves can understand. Go read it now and maybe I won't shove lit fireworks into your grandmother's private area.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.