ID 404191012 Coatley, Rudolph Graeg
AKA - The Middle School Cassanova, Paul Bungyoung, Rudolph the Browneye Rootdeer, Chugs Coatley, RG Glugs, Heppy, Professor Stabs, Dances With Wolf Peckers, Hippy Himmler, Reichsfuhrer-STD, Lickem All Rudy, Alphabet Heps, White Oprah, Blood Drive, Rudy G Coats.
Crime - Wanton Child Gripping, Sensual Violence, Animating Remains, Conduct Unbecoming a Mammal, Felony Legal Reluctance.
Rudolph's Last Meal: Due to last-minute correctional conversations with Mr. Coatley's face, his last meal request of an Applebee's Kickin' Bacon Ranch Boneless Wing Dippers with Xtreme Xtra Cheese was delivered via pneumatic suppository.
Rudolph's Last Words: Rudolph's last words were typed in advance with the help of correctional advisers and religious counsel. His written statement reflects the intent of the inmate who was physically unable to speak at the time. These words were read aloud by a correctional supervisor overseeing the capital process. "My name is Rudolph Graeg Coatley and I did all the crimes the judge convicted me of. I am happy to go on. I am happy to give my body to the cause. I am happy to penetrate the veil. I am happy as can be that this is happening to me." At the presumed request of the inmate a Don & Seymour record was played in reverse at 120 decibels. All correctional employees wore ear protectors, blacked goggles, and were instructed to leave their mouths closed during the execution.
Sentence carried out, 10:34 PM, December 20th, 2007. Rudolph Graeg Coatley's remains were lost during the execution process.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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