ID 404191012 Coatley, Rudolph Graeg

AKA - The Middle School Cassanova, Paul Bungyoung, Rudolph the Browneye Rootdeer, Chugs Coatley, RG Glugs, Heppy, Professor Stabs, Dances With Wolf Peckers, Hippy Himmler, Reichsfuhrer-STD, Lickem All Rudy, Alphabet Heps, White Oprah, Blood Drive, Rudy G Coats.

Crime - Wanton Child Gripping, Sensual Violence, Animating Remains, Conduct Unbecoming a Mammal, Felony Legal Reluctance.

Rudolph's Last Meal: Due to last-minute correctional conversations with Mr. Coatley's face, his last meal request of an Applebee's Kickin' Bacon Ranch Boneless Wing Dippers with Xtreme Xtra Cheese was delivered via pneumatic suppository.

Rudolph's Last Words: Rudolph's last words were typed in advance with the help of correctional advisers and religious counsel. His written statement reflects the intent of the inmate who was physically unable to speak at the time. These words were read aloud by a correctional supervisor overseeing the capital process. "My name is Rudolph Graeg Coatley and I did all the crimes the judge convicted me of. I am happy to go on. I am happy to give my body to the cause. I am happy to penetrate the veil. I am happy as can be that this is happening to me." At the presumed request of the inmate a Don & Seymour record was played in reverse at 120 decibels. All correctional employees wore ear protectors, blacked goggles, and were instructed to leave their mouths closed during the execution.

Sentence carried out, 10:34 PM, December 20th, 2007. Rudolph Graeg Coatley's remains were lost during the execution process.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.