To celebrate the Holiday Season of Christmas, etc, Chairman Petteridge and the Board of Directors have authorized all employees of North American Panopticon and its subsidiaries to enjoy a HOLIDAY GIFT. You are hereby entitled to your very own sample copy of the first few pages of Last Meals/Last Words, authored by the inmates of Lambspoke Penitentiary and edited by Chairman Petteridge himself.
Death is a journey taken by all human beings. It is the job of Capital Processing at all North American Panopticon facilities to hasten that journey for certain miscreant individuals. The pre-holiday season is always a hustle and bustle to carry out as many execution orders as possible before sleigh bells can be heard in the winter night. Before sentence can be carried out each inmate is allowed a last meal of their choice. They may also make a final statement in the execution chamber, although they are not compelled to do so.
These are the last meals and last words of the inmates of Lambspoke Penitentiary for the 2007 Holiday Season.
ID 422302002 Emperor, Jerry Lou
AKA - Emperor Cherry, Don Jerry, Lipstick Lou, His Majesty the Cherry, Rubber Lou, Jerry T. Jerry, Pepper Pal, Winetown, Turtletime Tom, Clavo Lou Pepper, The Dauphin of E Block, Lou the Tickler, Emperor Lou Don Peppers, Sally Lou, Gutso, Jerry Pepper.
Crime - Boat Death, Opposition Entity Financing, Information Refraction, Police Disgust, Misuse of a Terminal, Gross Body Damaging, Extreme Police Disgust.
Jerry's Last Meal: Jerry requested one quarter brick of heated Nutraloaf, two tubes of liquid Protochow, five syrettes of Sweetly Now At Last, a half-carafe of Drinkwu, a half-carafe of Diet Shaka Surge, and two serve cups of strawberry kibble. Jerry screamed and threw his last meal at corrections employees, requested the whereabouts of his deceased family, and tried to bite through his face mask. Per the judge's order, prior to entering the execution chamber Jerry's eyes were swabbed with DMSO and LSD.
Jerry's Last Words: "-and yes I am a human being. I am a human man. I am a man. You are about to kill a man. I hope you think about that. They are making you do this, you don't have to do this, you don't have to do this. I didn't do nothing. <prolonged laughter> You're melting too! <more laughter>"
Sentence carried out, 10:10 PM, December 20th, 2007. Dialytic blood detox completed 10:12 PM. Blood and heart transferred to DOBS for Health Analysis, all other organs sent to Healing Hands Hospital, Inc.
You Will Read This Headline. Then You'll Laugh. Then You'll Realize You Were Wrong All Along.
'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.