Every so often I turn my fancy to the future and offer some bold predictions on what's to come in the strange lands beyond tomorrow. As to how I get these predictions, well, I can only reveal that it involves an in-depth understanding of trends, metrology, cage fighting, gastrointestinal juices, and an intricate knowledge as to just what is going on inside a turtle's shell. From this I can get a pretty solid idea about what will happen in the future, if not a massive stomach infection. Usually both.
As I am a huge fan of "Law & Order" shows, particularly that one where Vincent D'onofrio solves crimes by being omniscient, I thought I might turn my attention to both the future and law. So, without further dillydally on my behalf, let us take a take a look at THE CRIMES OF THE FUTURE!
Creating or trafficking in bootleg mayonnaise will be criminalized when crippling mayonnaise addictions grow to epidemic levels in the United States.
Marijuana will be legalized, but only because it will have evolved into one giant hippy-killing organism that prowls the west coast looking for smelly flesh to rend.
It will be illegal for preteen girls to wear shirts that say "hottie," "princess," or "too sexy" unless judged as such by a panel of their peers.
Ownership of poisonous snakes will be illegal, however, ownership of specially engineered poisonous dogs will be a gray area as far as the law is concerned, unless that dog is a St. Bernard.
Ownership of or collusion with a St. Bernard will be illegal due to the great Human-St. Bernard War of 2018, in which 132,342 humans were killed fending off a St. Bernard attack against Las Vegas, Nevada. When the dogs couldn't take the city itself, they laid siege to it for forty days until President Jenna Bush negotiated a peaceful surrender.
Stealing items out of a dog's mouth will be punishable by death, even if you previously owned the item. Due to various international treaties, the inside of a dog's mouth will be considered sovereign territory.
Assassinating the president will still be illegal, unless you do it from within the center of a roundabout, which, due to strange traffic law loopholes of the future, will exist outside of any legal system.
Calling somebody a "turtle-headed hillbilly" will be considered hate speech, mostly due to the emergence of a poverty-stricken underclass of turtle-headed people.
Campaign finance laws of the future will be so strict that no one will be able to afford to run for office. As such, America will default into a monarchy that lasts until the Mummy Wars of 2037, when democracy is restored.
Operating a tractor beam while intoxicated will be punishable by loss of license and a mandatory workplace sensitivity course. If the tractor beam is used to sexually harass someone, then an additional gender sensitivity class will be required.
Jumping turnstiles and using the ancient teleportation device on the moon without paying will result in a 1000 credit fine and six months of community service for next of kin. The ancient teleportation device is for paying customers only, and also for instantly being transported to the center of a black hole.
Cloning humans will be illegal except in extreme cases when it is absolutely necessary to clone someone, such as an irreversible scheduling conflict requiring a person to be in two places at once.
Cloning a government official for purposes of political subterfuge will be doubly illegal. However, cloning a government official for purposes of sex and companionship will be legal, as it every elected officials duty to please his or her constituents.
The Secularists will win the War on Decency and set out to run effective government while religious zealots will be relegated to living on reservations where they will be free to practice their religion. On one such reservation in Eastern Montana, human-robot marriage will be punishable by stoning. If the robot is built too strong to be damaged by mere stones, then it will be pelted with smaller robots. Failing that it will be re-programmed to hate itself.
Mechanic-assisted robocide will be illegal due to the Interstellar Supreme Court ruling Robbie v Henderson, in which a terminally malfunctioning robot fought its owner in court for the right to die. Helping a robot terminate its own operations will net you 15 years in prison.
Interference from garage door openers will no longer be a valid excuse for violations of the Three Laws of Robotics. This after a robot pleaded temporary insanity after murdering 47 people in the vicinity of a malfunctioning garage door.
Harvesting tree sap without a license will get you five years of hard time on the moon where there are no trees.
Stealing a mummy from a museum will be considered the gravest of all crimes, unless said mummy was being held against its will and will testify to that in a court of law. In such cases of mummy liberation, the liberator is to be granted one honorary term as President of the United States.
Abortion in South Dakota will be mandatory, but only because South Dakota will be run by a cabal of radioactive super fetuses unwilling to share power.
Proclaiming "The Future is Now!" in public will result in a 500 credit redundancy tax.
Disclaimer: I cannot personally guarantee that any of these predictions will come true, so please consult a lawyer if you feel that any of your future actions may fall into a gray area. However, I have it on very high authority that at least 95% of these laws definitely will come to pass, especially the ones about dogs. As I said before, I've been offering bold predictions about the future for several years now, and a good portion of them have definitely come true. For example, we currently have a two midgets serving together as one president. I predicted that. Also, as early as this past December, I predicted 2005 would be a record year for hurricanes. I think my skills speak for themselves.
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
What do you do when The Dark Knight himself pulls a boner?
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
If you're in a tight spot, this is going to be really helpful (I'M JOKING. I'M KIDDING AROUND)
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.