"Look at how far I can put my head out the window! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Loo--"

- Despot

"A lifetime of chasing cars, and what should finally catch me? O, cruel irony!"

- Marcel DuChomp

"Let's roll."

- Hank

"My one regret is that I never caught a gopher. Oh, and my other regret is that you cut my testicles off."

- Ticks

[Sings Star Wars cantina music]

- Garth

"Even now I curse the day-- and yet, I think, few come within the compass of my curse-- wherein I did not some notorious ill, as bite a man, or else devise his biting; ravage a leg, or plot the way to do it; accuse some cat and forswear myself... Tut, I have done a thousand dreadful things, as willingly as one would kill a fly, and nothing grieves me heartily indeed but that I cannot do ten thousand more."

- Ferox

"Et tu, Spunky?"

- Romper

And now, as you finally offer me all the biscuits and people food you have deprived me of these long years, I find I have no taste for such things. Please leave me to die alone.

- Tornado

"I'm not playing this time!"

- Bawdy

"Embrace me, Dog Jesus! I'm ready for your kingdom!"

- John 1:14

"Suspect is fleeing north on foot. I did what I can. See this through. Don't let him get away."

- Officer Welsh, K9 Unit

"Jingle your keys, old boy. Just once more for a dying friend. Let the sound I loved so well sing me to my rest."

- Bathos

– Dr. David Thorpe and Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Arr)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.