Something Awful has never been known as a gaming site, so imagine our shock when we scored the gaming journo coup of a lifetime: an almost-direct line to a highly-placed insider within the most inscrutable edifice in the video game industry! How did we come upon this goldmine of information? Well, let's just say a close friend of ours has an uncle who works at Nintendo, and he's ready to spill it all.
SA: So what exactly is your uncle's role in the Nintendo organization?
Guy Whose Uncle Works for Nintendo: My uncle is one of the main guys. He invented Mario. He lives in Japan and he knows the president of Nintendo. The president of Nintendo is named Ryu Nintendo and he invented the first Nintendo, which was a robot that did math. My uncle works on all the games and makes up how the levels look, and he knows all the cheat codes and can get extra men in any game. He gets to play all the games before they come out and he gives them all to me when he beats them.
SA: The big question on everyone's mind: any new additions to A-list Nintendo franchises coming up in the next year?
GWUWFN: I get all the games early and I've played the next Mario and the next Zelda. The next Mario is inside a space station and it has 100 worlds. There's a third Mario brother named Dillon because my uncle named him after me. You fight aliens and you can get an alien suit. I have the original Super Mario World game from Japan and Mario has a gun in it but they can't release it in America like that because a kid in Japan killed his sister. I know a cheat code so Mario can have a gun but my uncle said if I told anyone it, he wouldn't give me games anymore. In the next Zelda you play as Zelda and there's a cheat code so you're totally naked.
SA: Can we have that code?
GWUWFN: Well, the game isn't out yet so if I told you the code you couldn't do anything with it. Maybe ask again when the game comes out. Zelda is totally hot and naked and you can make her have sex with a dog.
SA: Big N sometimes catches flak for being "kiddie." Does this mean Nintendo is moving into more mature games?
GWUWFN: Yeah, they are making a Playboys game too. I've played it and it's like Mario but your guy goes around and collects Playboys and then every time you get one you can open it and read the Playboy and it shows all the naked ladies and everything. Pamela Anderson is naked in it. You put the controller on your pants and if you get a boner you lose the game. They released it in Japan but they had to take it out of the stores because it was too sexual and it made all these kids have sex at school. If a girl plays it she has to get naked to win. It's called Playboys Castle Quest.
SA: Any plans for new Nintendo hardware coming down the pike, or are they still committed to the Wii?
GWUWFN: They made a new Nintendo called the Nintendo X and it's 100-bit. Like how the regular Nintendo is 8-bit and the Super Nintendo is 16-bit, this one is 100-bit and the graphics are so good it looks like a movie and you think it's real. They released it in Japan and a kid died because his guy died in the game and his body thought it was real and his heart stopped. It got banned in Japan for being too real.
SA: Any word on the launch title lineup for the Nintendo X?
GWUWFN: They have a new Street Fighters game and it has all the guys in Mortal Kombat in it, plus you can be Batman, Robocop, Luke and Darth Vader. And you can send Nintendo a picture of your face and you get to be a character in the game. I got to play it and I was so good they told me I could be in the tournament in Japan but my mom said no because I have school, but they said I would have won. They also made a game called Blood Quest and you play a guy with a sword hand, and it has so much blood that a kid saw it and got scared to death and they banned it in Japan.
SA: With your uncle's industry connections, he must hear things about what the competition is up to. Any news from Sony or MS?
GWUWFN: They said the Sega Genesis is 16-bit but my dad has taken it apart and there are only 12 bits. It can't do as many colors which is why they can't make Mario games on it. It doesn't have 3D processing bits like the Super Nintendo's special chips for Pilotwings. Sega sucks. The Nintendo X is going to kill Sega when they see how real it looks. My uncle has the Genesis II and it only looks barely as good as the Super Nintendo. They're going to release it as soon as kids figure out that the Genesis is only 12-bit, and then they'll go like "oh, here's one that's really 16 bit" but by then it will be too late and the Nintendo X will come out.
SA: Any final insider tips from your uncle that you'd like to spill?
GWUWFN: Yeah, but don't tell anyone because my uncle could get fired, but when you start Mortal Kombat right when you hear the sound at the beginning, press left left left left b a b y b a b y b a b y and all the girl characters will be naked. If you beat one of them there is a special fatality called the sexuality and it makes them have sex. It works on Killer Instinct too and when the one girl shows her boobs she turns around so you can see and you can do a sexuality on her.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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