Method: Eight hour sample of major network election coverage, plus post-election coverage where relevant to data.
States incorrectly "called" by at least one major media outlet: 2 (Missouri and New Mexico)
Number of major media outlets that agree on Democratic candidate delegate count: 0
Most expensive "election center": CNN (estimated $9.8 million)
Networks "stunned" by Mike Huckabee "comeback": 3Mike Huckabee delegate count: 190
Number of delegates required to win Republican Nomination: 1,191
Average hourly per-network references to a shared Democratic ticket: 12
Percentage of people who would be "satisfied to very satisfied" with their favored candidate as Vice President: 9%
Percentage of people who would be "unsatisfied to very unsatisfied" with their favored candidate as Vice President: 79%
Percentage of people too stupid or apathetic to have an opinion: 12%
Conclusion: Major media outlets have very little understanding of what is happening and all of their pundits and analysts fall into the category of people too stupid or apathetic to care whether or not a given candidate is Vice President, yet they believe everyone else thinks the same way.
Method: These facts and statistics were gathered from a variety of internal and external sources.
Percentage of population who believe Barack Obama is a Muslim: 29%
Percentage of population who believe moon landing faked: 28%
Percentage of population with IQ scores lower than 90: 25%
Amount of personal wealth Hillary Clinton loaned her campaign: $5 million
Net worth of Barack Obama: $1.3 million
Net worth of Dennis Kucinich: $200,000
Elizabeth Kucinich's hotornot.com rating: 8.4
Ron Paul's hotornot.com rating: 9.6
Laps Rudy Giuliani's bus took around Daytona while blasting the theme from "Rudy": 1
Delegates won by Rudy Giuliani: 1
Money spent by Rudy Giuliani during primary campaign: $49.8 million
Conclusion: It's better to be Dennis Kucinich than Rudy Giuliani.
Luckily for the terrible pollsters and the even-worse TV analysts, this election seems bound to drag on at least into March. Gird your souls against the coming tide of punditry, gentle readers.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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