On December 7th of last year Something Awful made history by breaking with its long tradition of political neutrality to endorse Democratic Senator Christopher J. Dodd for President of the United States. Dodd dropped out of the race less than a month after securing our prestigious endorsement. It was a hard-fought campaign, but after garnering a respectable .02% of the vote in the Iowa caucuses Dodd decided to withdraw his candidacy. We were sad to see our chosen candidate bow out of the race.
With the 22-state February 5th primary just a day away, we feel it is time to endorse another candidate from the remaining pool of viable contenders.
On the Republican side, Senator John McCain received consideration from our editorial board, but we ultimately decided that even though he would make a great resident of the White House, we prefer our veterans to physically and mentally disintegrate hidden away beneath highway overpasses.
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney also received some consideration from our editorial board. He comes so close to the American ideal of a presidential candidate that if he were a GI Joe he would be codenamed "Head of State" or possibly just "Veto." Romney asks the difficult questions of our time and enthusiastically embraces democracy by shifting his positions depending on polls. Despite these qualifications, we felt that his unwillingness to embrace a trustworthy protestant religion disqualifies him.
There is also libertarian outsider Congressman Ron Paul, but despite a six-hour conference call with Congressman Paul we remain unconvinced that he is not a ghost or spirit trapped within our telephone. If we were to elect a ghost as president we enter a constitutional gray-area in which we believe his vice president may immediately become president.
That leaves us with the Democratic candidates for president. Of them, only two remain viable choices: Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama. The only way to decide which of the two possessed the attributes we desire in a president was to match them up in a head-to-head competition.
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Barack Hussein Obama
|Change (with experience)||Change (no experience explicitly mentioned)|
|Winner: Hillary Clinton, who has successfully one-upped Barack Obama's message of "change" by offering more words after it. She has been fighting for change for 35 years and promises that, if elected president, all of those years will finally pay off and something will change. How many years has Obama been fighting for change? We may never know.|
|Winner: Hillary Clinton, who has demonstrated her commitment to the Christian faith by never being sworn into office on a Koran and never attending a madrassa in Indonesia as a young half-black boy.|
|+> Drugs Dealt|
|Winner: Hillary Clinton, who has avoided the stigma associated with dealing drugs by never dealing any drugs, unlike Obama, who claims to have never dealt cocaine.|
|35 Years of fighting for change|
Lived in White House
|2 years as a US Senator|
Lived in Regular House
|Winner: Hillary Clinton, whose 35 years of doing things related to changing things is a dramatic contrast to the 2 years Barack Obama has spent in the US Senate. What did he do before becoming a US Senator? We have no way of knowing. We do know he did drugs at one point during that time. Clinton also lived in the White House for 8 years, proving that she knows exactly what living there again will be like.|
|+> Shady Financial Backers|
|The Paw Family|
|Winner: Hillary Clinton, who has kept above the sleazy Rezko land deal that has mired the Obama campaign in scandal.|
|They are people too||Get them out of Washington|
|Winner: Only Hillary Clinton respects the human rights of lobbyists and will work with them to bring about the 35 years of change she has been working to change all along, finally uniting to create a team for change.|
|+> Boards of Wal-Mart Served On|
|Winner: Hillary Clinton is committed to low prices. Her number one concern is the consumer.|
|+> Go Play Hoop|
|Winner: Hillary Clinton, who would not denigrate the office of the presidency by hacking some fool during a dunk. What other racist stereotypes will Obama promote to win over black voters?|
|Winner: Hillary Clinton is just the right amount of black for America.|
|+> Iraq War|
|Consistently voted to protect America||Claimed he would have voted against it|
|Winner: Obama's big words about never voting for the Iraq war are just more empty rhetoric. He wasn't even a US Senator at the time and Hillary Clinton, when faced with a tough vote, chose to be courageous and protect America from Saddam Hussein.|
|Winner: Hillary Clinton. Barack Obama is a betrayer of women's rights for not supporting the election of Hillary Clinton.|
In our editorial survey, on 11 out of 11 issues, it cannot be denied that Hillary Clinton comes out on top. For this reason Something Awful is pleased to announce that we are endorsing...
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON
FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!
GOOD LUCK HILLARY!!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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