It's been a relentless election cycle filled with endless polls, a deluge of attack ads, twists, turns and surprises galore. Yesterday, citizens finally had the opportunity to cast their votes and decide the future of the nation. But more importantly, they helped decide the future of Shaggy Butte, a city routinely voted "America's Most Beloved City" by residents of Shaggy Butte.
Hank Cobb (Republican - Incumbent) 74%
Senator (write-in candidate) 15%
Laurence Krout (Democrat) 10%
Prince Rogers Nelson (Libertarian - Incumbent) 64.5%
Flavius Olestra (Libertine) 24.3%
Yolo Chandelierium (Atheist String Theorist Party) 11%
Ol' Huss (Coot Reform) 21.3%
Gil Harborough (Shaggy Butte Tea Party) 18%
Hunter Crane (Crime Island Syndicate) 10%
Jesse Crawford (Christian Board Gamers) 7.2%
Pete Loam (Libertarian) 6.7%
Wilbur Stack (Christian Prayer Warriors for Israel) 5.9%
Tanya Phillips (Mommy Bloggers United) 4.6%
Allister McGovern III (Titanic Survivors) 5.3%
Senator (write-in candidate) 4.2%
Greg Pollock (Aryan Brotherhood) 3.8%
Rex Dunwhip (God's Freedom Riders) 3.8%
Calhoun Manford (Eye of Ra Party) 2.7%
Leeland "Omega Child" Starborn (UFO Truth Party) 1.3%
Ol' Pete (Coot - Incumbent) .5%
Reginald Dalton (Proud Bedwetters) .2%
Note: Due to a clerical error that can only be corrected by the elected mine inspector, the position pays a salary of $722,000 per year.
Hairbank (Independent - Unopposed Incumbent) 100%
GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT
Lester "Candy Man" Moore (D) 47.8%
Rick "Grandpa" Hanford (R-Incumbent) 43.4%
William Bruggerd Sr. (Republican - Incumbent) 74.3%
William Bruggard Jr. (Libertarian) 24.6%
|MEASURE C: CRIMINALIZATION OF SKATEBOARDING|
Bans the sale and purchase of skateboards within city limits and makes it illegal to own a skateboard. Introduces zero tolerance laws, giving police carte blanche to apprehend skateboarders using lethal force if necessary. Requires mandatory prison time for all apprehended skateboarders with no possibility of early release or parole.
|MEASURE A: ERADICATION OF ALL DOGS WITHIN CITY LIMITS|
Calls for a 4-cent increase in sales tax for eight years to fund a canine culling program. The program calls for sharpshooters to fly overhead in helicopters and fire upon any dogs sighted within city limits. The sharpshooters will remain airborne at all times to prevent a recurrence of the 2011 tragedy. Recovered dog carcasses would be used to bolster Shaggy Butte's struggling school meals programs.
|MEASURE D: SAVE OUR ABANDONED OPEN-PIT STRIP MINES|
Diverts funding from Shaggy Butte harbor development to preserve open-pit strip mines as-is and recognize their unique manmade ecology as a potential tourist attraction. Calls for installation of boardwalks above toxic waste, allowing visitors to view and interact with local wildlife and witness the complex chemical reactions that are rapidly changing the biology of local plant and animal life.
|MEASURE B: MAKE DRINKING WATER SAFE|
Introduces a new independent committee appointed to oversee quality control of Shaggy Butte's drinking water. Calls for reduction in lead and mercury content in water and aims to introduce safeguards to prevent toxic runoff from abandoned open-pit strip mines from contaminating town's drinking water supply.
|MEASURE E: CHANGE THE CITY'S SLOGAN|
Introduces a new sign budget and calls for the creation of a committee to maintain signs throughout town. Calls for the changing of Shaggy Butte's current slogan of "Paris in the Pines" to "First in Pits" to pay tribute to the Shaggy Butte's rich history of open-pit strip mining and to promote the development of new open-pit strip mining ventures.
|MEASURE F: ABANDONED OPEN PIT STRIP MINES SAFETY UPGRADES AND CLEANUP|
Diverts funding from Shaggy Butte's non-existent but still fully funded harbor district to put up fencing around abandoned open-pit strip mines, which are flooded with highly toxic fluids and overrun with diseased vermin. Starts process of certifying abandoned open-pit strip mines as superfund sites for cleanup and eventual redevelopment as public parks.
|MEASURE G: INSTALLATION OF NEW HELIPAD AT OFFICE OF MINE INSPECTOR|
Calls for the use of tax dollars to construct a new helipad at the Office of the Mine Inspector and allocates additional funds for purchasing and maintaining helicopters for the Mine Inspector's use. Prevents citizens from forming or joining any labor union.
|MEASURE H: CONSTRUCTION OF NEW LIBRARY|
Calls for funds to be diverted from the estimated four-million dollar strip mine museum to instead finance the construction of a new library to replace the old one, which has not been usable for two years due to a feral dog infestation.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
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