FROM: CIA Secret Assassination Committee
SUBJECT: Santiago Must Be "Handled" (To Death)
1. Colonel Montoya Rudolpho Davey-Boy Santiago, A.K.A "Colonel Big Dog Face," is to be TERMINATED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE. Apologies for earlier communique ordering him to be TERMINATED WITH MILD PREJUDICE.
2. You are to INFILTRATE HIS BUNKER disguised as famous Italian chef "Italiano Pastasauciano." You will likely be asked why you look nothing like the real Italiano, or why his body was found in a water treatment plant earlier that day. To these, or any other questions, simply exclaim, "Mama mia!"
3. Once inside, PROCEED DIRECTLY to Santiago's office. Sign up for an appointment to meet with Santiago. Your wait will depend on how much work Santiago is getting done. You are AUTHORIZED TO SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENTS like, "Great job torturing those dissidents!" or "Just sign a few more death warrants, then treat yourself with a snack!"
4. When ushered into Santiago's office, you are to sit directly across from him, remove your service revolver, and yell, "I hope you wanted bullets for dinner, fatso!" PRETTY FUNNY, RIGHT? We wrote that ourselves.
6. Do NOT engage him in conversation. He will attempt to say, "We are not so different, you and I." YOU ARE VERY DIFFERENT. He is a MURDEROUS DRUG LORD. You are A REAL CHILL GUY. You like INDIE ROCK and enjoy "BAD" MOVIES. Santiago finds NO VALUE IN CAMP.
7. Santiago will offer you a homemade marshmallow square. DO NOT EAT THE SQUARE. Santiago is a TERRIBLE COOK. Also, it is POISON.
8. Santiago will offer you a job as his top lieutenant, and the hand of his beautiful daughter Josephina. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THIS. Could be a good opportunity. It'd be a pay bump, more stability. Satellite intelligence also confirms that Josephina is REALLY FUN. She loves hiking, and plays BASS in a band.
9. Should you accept Colonel Santiago's offer, PLEASE CONSIDER HIRING US. This is a pretty kick-ass briefing we wrote up, right? C'mon. And honestly, this is us PHONING IT IN. Imagine if we got paid what we were worth. We'd add charts, social media connectivity...we could even make the briefing self destruct to make you feel cooler.
10. Should you reject Colonel Santiago's offer and shoot Santiago, HEY, ATTABOY. You are a TRUE PATRIOT. Also, you should find a way out of there somehow. You just shot Santiago! His guys are gonna be pissed! Run! Run! Put in a good word for us before you get shot to death!
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
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