RankNameChange
11Courting the Geisha
+1.14
Investors are warming their hearts and opening their minds to the power of love. While this takagari courting stunt has seen better days, and certainly better centuries, it shows new signs of life after blinded falconer Theo Webber used his prized Saker Falcon to deliver love notes to his amnesiac fiancé on ABC's Wings of Love. The popular soap stirred many a housewife, and had every male falconer on the block eager to follow Theo's lead.
12Picking the King's Apples+0.48
The old bandit tradition of using falcons to steal apples from Royal Apple Trees has seen renewed interest after its use in the recent wave of high profile Los Angeles diamond robberies. LA Police Chief William Bratton was quick to denounce the crimes. "This is not a joke or a laughing matter," he said during a press conference. "We are doing everything in our power to put these men and their falcons behind bars." Still, many falconers can't help but appreciate the artistry involved, fueling Picking's modest gains.
13The Bombardier
+0.27
Bombardier posted dubious gains after its usage fueled an Atlanta nightclub brouhaha. A police report indicates that a falconer used his Harris' Hawk to drop GHB into the drinks of female patrons. A lariateur at the club noted the unseemly tactic and quickly lassoed him for authorities. While the would-be rapist and his falcon were arrested and charged, news of the story inspired numerous copycat attempts throughout the country. Many nightclubs are now cracking down and instructing bouncers to turn falconers away.
14There Goes The Gentleman's Hat!
-0.42
This old standard took some dents in trading after a series of gruesome accidents. "Plucking hats off gentlemen requires a high level of training," said ESPN falconry analyst Mitch Matthews. "We're not seeing that training. We're seeing head scars and eye gouges and it's not pretty."
15The Repeated Plummet
-0.65
This stunt lives up to its name posting serious losses for the second day in a row. A tepid performance by Amy Boston on NBC's America's Got Talon didn't help matters. If anything, she flew this stunt right into a window.
16Calcutta Rat Catcher
-1.24
When Bruce "Wildfeather" Tyson saw Indian falconers plucking rats from the streets of Calcutta and dropping them into boiling cauldrons, he knew he had to bring the stunt to America. After decades of popularity in city and country alike, the stunt is finally showing its age, largely due to the scarcity of rats and lack of public cauldrons.
17A Taste of Grandpa's Medicine-3.47
There's no end to the feather ruffling caused by this oft-decried stunt, thanks to the excessive mouth-beak contact. "Vultures eating the faces of the dead don't even get this much tongue," joked ESPN's Mitch Matthews on Tuesday's episode of Claws Out. "Frankly, I can't even figure out why it hasn't been banned yet. It doesn't even involve flying."
18Feathers & Leather
-4.78
Shock falconer Percy Dick got a little too close for comfort with his osprey, prompting fans to walk out on his most recent performance. The offending stunt, which saw the bird repeatedly swooping in-between his gyrating legs, turned stomachs faster than eyes. George Greensmith, who heads Wingspan, the largest union of falconry promoters, said Dick would no longer be welcome in their venues. With that, Feathers & Leather dives headfirst into oblivion.
19The Bird is the Word
-9.24
Strong words of condemnation from Pope Benedict XVI sent the Bird crashing down. "There can be only one Word, and that is the Word of the Heavenly Father," said the Pontiff in an official decree from the Vatican. NAFA, in an attempt to avoid controversy, agreed that the stunt was in poor taste. In spite of its sudden unpopularity, some falconers are saying the Bird won't stay grounded for long.
20The Phoenix Rises
-10.24
Fans attending this year's Falconfest were in for a shock when Buck Whitely set his prized Goshawk aflame for a perverted take on the Soucar's Gamble. Stunned crowds began booing and pelting Whitely with refuse until officers arrested him for animal cruelty. Alvin, the charred bird, left this world in a blaze of glory never to rise from the ash. NAFA has condemned this stunt and urged against its practice. In addition to losing his license, Whitely faces a lifetime blacklisting.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.