It goes without saying that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has undergone a great deal of personal attacks and smears. As the first viable black candidate for the highest office in the country, Obama has to fight off attacks from not just conservatives, but also from fringe groups and racists. In order to cut through the lies and promote a more constructive debate of the issues, I thought I would help Obama out and clear up some of the smears floating around.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama is a Muslim extremist.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama is a Christian who follows the teachings of Christ.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein - the surname of the former Iraqi dictator.
THE TRUTH: His middle name is actually "Hugo."
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama is a black man.
THE TRUTH: In actuality, "Barack" is a name made up by a white journalist who had his skin chemically dyed for a story on the difficulties faced by black men running for president.
THE SMEAR: Barack refuses to put his hand on his heart during the Pledge of Allegiance.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama relies on an artificial heart after his original heart was stolen by some kids. He believes it improper to place his hand on such a cold facsimile during such an important tradition.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama will give Choom Gang members key cabinet positions.
THE TRUTH: Gramps, Tut, and Ray are all qualified candidates with years of public service experience.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama is a vampire.
THE TRUTH: He briefly dabbled in vampirism in high school, but found it wasn't for him.
THE SMEAR: Michelle Obama hates white people.
THE TRUTH: Michelle Obama married half of one, proving she is only half-racist at best, and still less racist than Barbara Bush.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama hates America.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama hated America, but then found it was just putting up a tough front. After that the two fell in love and have been together ever since.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama used drugs ranging from marijuana to cocaine in his youth.
THE TRUTH: He was taking charges to gain entry into Los Locos.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama smokes cigarettes.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama has been straight edge for the last 10 years, as indicated by the prominent "sXe" tattoo on his chest.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama is an Ivy Leaguer too smart for the American people.
THE TRUTH: He earned his degree in veterinary medicine fair and square from a reputable online university.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama was raised by Muslims in Africa.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama was raised in the wild by angry badgers that taught him the value of hope.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama has ties to Louis Farrakhan.
THE TRUTH: In 2005, Barack Obama sold an Ikea sofa bed to Louis Farrakhan via a craigslist advertisement.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had an affair.
THE TRUTH: The two had an inappropriate student-teacher relationship in high school, but ended it before things got too heavy.
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Can't tell a drinking fountain from a urinal? We've got you covered. Brush up on your drinking fountain enthusiast -- or sipper -- vocabulary and learn to talk and swap sips with the best of them.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.