THE SMEAR: Barack Obama plans to sell all of America to his Arab overlords.
THE TRUTH: While he is indeed open to offers, he has no definite plans to sell.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama obtained yellow cake uranium in Nigeria.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama only eats bean pies.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama got 100% on "Through the Fire and Flames" on Guitar Hero.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama is a DDR fanatic.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama can't control his angry black wife.
THE TRUTH: He has a carefully orchestrated plan to put her in her place at the convention.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama believes many small town Americans cling to guns and religion.
THE TRUTH: He is just tired of gettin' shot at by Christians.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama is closely associated with notorious former Weather Underground member William Ayers.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama has close ties with notorious Digital Underground leader Shock G and often listens to Digital Underground CDs.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama does not have a real birth certificate (because he was not born in America).
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama is the son of Action Jackson, who famously portrays frugal actor Carl Weathers in day to day life.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama supports net neutrality because he is in Silicon Valley's pocket.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama is a hologram.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama, as an adherent of Islam, must worship the moon.
THE TRUTH: The moon's terrible magic does indeed hold sway over the young Barack Obama, beckoning him to return.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama has a tattoo of the devil on his inner thigh.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama has a tattoo of the Grim Reaper giving the middle finger on his inner thigh.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama is a skilled poker player, especially when it comes to bluffing.
THE TRUTH: He sees the world in Matrix code, though he refuses to use this to his advantage because it would be unfair to the American people.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama wants more money to be invested in alternative energies like solar and wind.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama believes the future is in coal power, according to senior aides to whom he frequently expresses the need to "run [more] train[s]."
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama likes to play basketball.
THE TRUTH: There is nothing Barack Obama hates more than basketball, which he plays only to fulfill his sworn oath to one day destroy the sport which disgusts him like nothing else.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama and Scarlett Johansson communicate via e-mail.
THE TRUTH: Barack Obama is a member of a website dedicated to a non-nude model who kind of looks like Johansson from a 45 degree angle, and participates in the chat during her nightly live shows.
THE SMEAR: There is a tape of Michelle Obama complaining about "whitey."
THE TRUTH: This tape is actually the Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav.
THE SMEAR: Barack Obama dismissively referred to a female reporter as "sweetie."
THE TRUTH: He actually called a male reporter a "scrumptious little twink."
Big thanks to Street Cactus for co-writing this update with me. Much love to ya, bro.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.