So you're an old man, probably writing for one of the nation's most prestigious newspapers, and you have decided you want to write a column conveying your opinions about sexual assault. This is perfectly natural. You are an expert on every topic, but especially expert when it comes to those nubile nymphs at college. Over the years you have developed some strong opinions about college women being sexually assaulted. And why they are exploiting their sexual assaults for profit. Take a deep breath. Gather your thoughts. Consult our helpful guide to writing about sexual assault.

Step 1

"I want to write about women being sexually assaulted."

Step 2

"I think I am entitled to my opinions and should--"

Step 3

"The facts don't lie on this one. I have looked at a number and--"

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