Even as we prepare to bid a sad farewell to our stalwart cowboy in the White House, there is still room for gaiety. What could be more American and Patriotic and Free than turning Mr. Bush's last speech into a healthful sport designed to promote body sweat and peak conditioning?
Here are the rules:
If Mr. Bush uses one of his witty nicknames...
...do a rep of squat thrusts. Face the television directly and emit short guttural grunts as you stare into his eyes. Let his eyes draw you up from each squat and give you strength.
If Mr. Bush mentions the Surge...
...flex your muscles in front of the television. Show them to him. Don't worry, he has the power to see them.
If Mr. Bush mentions Osama bin Ladin...
...perform a lateral shoulder raise with a weight three times bigger than you've ever used before. You have to push yourself like Our President has pushed himself. This is America and only the Best deserve to live.
If Mr. Bush gives America a rakish grin...
...create a rhythm by pounding your own chest cavity and let it echo and boom around your copious muscles. Listen to the way a dudedrum is the perfect match for Our President's sultry voice.
If Mr. Bush speaks your name...
...I have been waiting for this for so long. I knew that of all patriots I was his favorite. Don't worry, Mr. President. I'm on my way. Soon, we'll be together like we were always meant to be.
Remember to do a cool down and stretch after every exercise period. Enjoy!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.