Even as we prepare to bid a sad farewell to our stalwart cowboy in the White House, there is still room for gaiety. What could be more American and Patriotic and Free than turning Mr. Bush's last speech into a healthful sport designed to promote body sweat and peak conditioning?
Here are the rules:
If Mr. Bush uses one of his witty nicknames...
...do a rep of squat thrusts. Face the television directly and emit short guttural grunts as you stare into his eyes. Let his eyes draw you up from each squat and give you strength.
If Mr. Bush mentions the Surge...
...flex your muscles in front of the television. Show them to him. Don't worry, he has the power to see them.
If Mr. Bush mentions Osama bin Ladin...
...perform a lateral shoulder raise with a weight three times bigger than you've ever used before. You have to push yourself like Our President has pushed himself. This is America and only the Best deserve to live.
If Mr. Bush gives America a rakish grin...
...create a rhythm by pounding your own chest cavity and let it echo and boom around your copious muscles. Listen to the way a dudedrum is the perfect match for Our President's sultry voice.
If Mr. Bush speaks your name...
...I have been waiting for this for so long. I knew that of all patriots I was his favorite. Don't worry, Mr. President. I'm on my way. Soon, we'll be together like we were always meant to be.
Remember to do a cool down and stretch after every exercise period. Enjoy!
The Amazonians value combat prowess and purity of spirit. By wrestling half naked, they pay homage to both virtues by displaying their battle-forged bodies while preserving as much modesty as their society deems necessary. The gelatin in which they wrestle is symbolic of the fluid nature of battle, a concept the Amazonians call ‘akgor-gra.’
Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.
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