THIS UPDATE IS PLAGIARIZED!
Normally I wouldn't do this, but based on about two dozen or so pieces of vulgar electronic mail that came my way, I apparently committed the dreadful sin of plagiary with my last article. And I suppose it's true. Back in April of 2002 when I wrote my first children's art critique article, I failed to take into account the idea that somebody else was going to write roughly the same thing two months later in June of 2002 on another site. Some might cut me a break and call my lack of foresight a rookie mistake, but that's probably letting me off too easy. You see, ever since then, I've been hooked on preemptive plagiary. Whenever I write an article, I try to think of ideas other writers haven't had the chance to write about yet, then I steal them like a bandit in the night. Sure, I don't always do a good job of this, but it's not an easy science. You try luring an unfertilized egg into your car with promises of candy. It takes a great deal of hard work and pre-calculation, but it can really pay off. I've been getting away with it fairly well for the last year with no major headaches. It's such an incredible rush that I think I'm addicted. Seeing as how all my past articles were stolen from the future, this and all my future articles will be as well. Seriously, I only mention this because for every person who e-mailed me to tell me how much of a rotten fucking thief I am, there were probably a few who didn't put up the effort. Sorry guys, I'm innocent of the charges... OR AM I? Yes, you dolts, I can't very well plagiarize something I did first.
A Gripping Emotional Tribute to THE HUMUNGUS
GAZE ABOUT HE WHO IS MIGHTY!!We've been treated to a whole honking busload of movie villains over the last gazillion years or so of cinema, and most of them aren't worth their weight in decorative Christmas ornaments of popular corporate mascots. Most villains, as you know, are only slightly more intimidating than a soiled diaper. And while soiled diapers sure are scary, they typically aren't things that haunt bones and inject fear into fear-deprived hearts. Unless of course it's a diaper soiled by a ghost, but then what are the odds of that happening? If I were a betting man – the kind of betting man that bets on the likelihood of a ghost that wears diapers shitting itself – I'd probably also be a very poor man, so enough of that nonsense. I'm not sure what possessed me (all pun intended, har har har!) to talk so much about ghost defecation, because it really has nothing to do with my plagiarized update for this week. No, I'm here to talk about a man who means a great deal to me: The Humungus. For those of you disgusting simpletons ignorant of The Humungus, he is and always will be the amazing antagonist of the epic Australian historical drama "The Road Warrior," which was the sequel to the influential Australian historical drama "Mad Max." A lot of people would dismiss my claim as pure hootenanny of the most charlatan variety, but that's because a lot of you people are dumb, filthy savages. I'm sorry, but it's true. I read so on the Al-Qaida forums when I was researching possible lifestyle changes and employment opportunities.
Before I prove to you, factually, that The Humungus is the best thing to happen to villaindom ever, allow me to first belittle the near-do-wells of popular cinema:
The Darth Family, Star Wars
Darth Vader was a big influence on me in my younger days, but as I grew older I began to see him for what he was: somebody's dad trying way too hard to be cool. Couple that with the fact he turned into a total pussy in "Return of the Jedi" and looked like the human equivalent of an egg underneath his giant and awkward nerd armor and things don't get much better. Then there is the unpleasant reality that thanks to the prequels, he's now the living embodiment of every Linkin Park song ever. I would mention Darth Maul, kind of like how I'm doing in this very confusing sentence, but why should I? He got cut in half like a delicious submarine sandwich, and went down just as easy. Then there was the old guy, Darth Tyranus I guess, but you just know he's going to get killed. It sure doesn't help that the guy who plays him has practically the exact same role in "Lord of the Rings."
The Agents, The Matrix
By playing on everybody's natural fear of being confronted by official looking men in suits, and possibly having to fill out forms and paperwork as a result, the Agents have soared to substantial popularity. I'm not that a big fan of "The Matrix," because the underlying themes of becoming a slave to technology remind me of the all the time and money I wasted playing "EverQuest." I think the average shut-in "EverQuest" player would prove more vexing a villain than somebody who looks like a kung-fu fighting IRS employee. And those albino vampire twins they added to the mix? The only thing they could threaten is a sailor's sexuality.
The Big Red Eye Thing, Lord of the Rings
I'm not the most well versed "Lord of the Rings" fan, mainly because I'm not a fan and I make it a point to not learn any more about it than I already have from watching the movies. Sure, they make for an entertaining and epic spectacle, but you could easily say the same thing about "Riverdance" if all the performers were set on fire and shot at while dancing. The main villain of LOTR, if I recall correctly, was a giant inflamed eyeball mounted on top of a large tower. I don't know, maybe if the eye belonged to a giant Cyclops I'd be more impressed, but as is I just think, "wow, that's one peeved eyeball!" Honestly, I lied about thinking that even, since I've never thought about it until now. That's how lasting a villain Old Red Eye was to me.
Wasteland KaraokeSome tough competiton, I won't deny, but The Humungus towers over them all. Why is he so damn special? To understand The Humungus, you must first understand the world he lived in. Since he lived on Earth and so do all you, you're pretty much up to speed. Just add a few atomic bombs and remove a few amenities such as resources, food, and civilization and you pretty much have the whole picture. Now onto the hidden bone and gristle of the issue.
Fact: The Humungus was a natural leader.
When society fell to pieces like so many unsolved jigsaw puzzles, The Humungus stepped up to the broken plate and put everything back together. In times of great woe for man, The Humungus took charge through brute force and created an army out of the marauders. As wily as these marauders were, The Humungus demanded and received their obedience and loyalty all the way to the bitter end. Some would say the prime function of a leader is to keep hope alive, and The Humungus certainly did this. With scarce few resources available to him and his men, he exercised patience and sound judgment. There was no room for hysterics or panic, for survival is a game of focused wits and careful deliberation. When so many men became wild beasts in a circus of rape and pillage, he became a lion tamer and ringleader. That's not to say he was a dictator, though. While far from a laissez-faire leader, he understood the wildness of the times and allowed that spirit to persevere. Away from the cradling walls of civilization man must nurture his animal instincts to survive, The Humungus undoubtedly believed in his noble heart.Be still my dog, be still. Fact: The Humungus was a father figure.
As I said, after that whole apocalypse thing took its toll, there wasn't much left but shattered fragments. That goes for both the world and the people in it. But as a dedicated father, he pieced them back together as best he could, creating a fragile but hardened family. Like any good parent, The Humungus was quick to give fatherly advice and use tough love and discipline to shape his children into not just men, but future fathers. Take for instance the time that Wez lost his male companion to the Feral Kid's boomerang. Wez became mad with bloodlust and demanded violence against those who wronged him. The Humungus calmed him down by whispering soothing words of encouragement while gently choking him unconscious. Clearly, The Humungus was a man capable of great compassion and love, but still strong enough to punish his own flock when they made mistakes.The Humungus knows each bullet counts, and so there is no haste when loading a fine firearm. Fact: The Humungus was physically fit.
The problem with most villains is that they rely on unnatural sources of power. Be it magic or technology, so many of them lack the true human strength and will to compete on a level playing field. Not true with The Humungus. Here is a man who built his body into a tool of pure terror. And he did this through exercise, through physical conditioning, and undoubtedly through proper eating. Contrasted with the other survivors of the apocalypse, he served as a shining example. Rather than let himself fall apart physically and emotionally, he took the opportunity to better himself over the broken spines of others. And it showed in every shiny muscle wrapped tight around his massive facade. I'm not a gay man, at least not according to my magic telescoping penis, so I'm not uncomfortable saying he was a handsome man. If you take a step back and look at him next to other villains, it's clear he was comfortable with his body as well. Most villains hide themselves behind capes, armor, cloaks, and all manner of distractions. The Humungus, however, stood open and proud, draped in only his underwear, suspenders, and trademark hockey mask. If this doesn't set an example to kids everywhere, then there is no hope for future generations.
And that, my friends, is why The Humungus is the greatest villain ever. Heck, he's such an inspiring guy he hardly qualifies even as a villain. True, he was murdered by Mel Gibson, but I suppose there is no shame in that. At the end of the day, there are a lot worse actors you could be murdered by. I happen to see past his demise, for some men are too big to fit into the cages of such mortal concepts as life and death. The Humungus was too strong and bold to truly die, so while his body perished his will lived on as the spirit of human achievement in times of strife, echoing in the darkest corners of the world. Perhaps some day even you will hear his voice still drifting with the wind, dividing the silence like a thousand rumbling engines revving in thirst for just one more drop of precious guzzoline.
If the Humungus was a real person alive and kicking today, it is most certain he would be a regular competitor in American politics. It's what I believe he's best suited for. He has the look, the attitude, and the determination to lead, and if he were running for office, he'd also have my vote. And he would win, no doubt. Who wouldn't win with a campaign slogan like, "Just walk away, I will give you safe passage through the wasteland." That just screams confidence.
A Real Circus Caper
Our fancy friend Taylor "Saved By The" Bell has a new ROM Pit Review up and ready for reading. What game gets reviewed this week? I'll never tell! Just kidding, it's "Circus Caper", and I'm glad I've never played it.
There is a masterfully constructed continuity here between the title and the intro, because the intro does in fact show a caper that occurs within a circus. A boy and his sister are walking around a circus with their parents, while music that sounds suspiciously similar to the song from the Smurfs song plays in the background, and the sister suddenly sees one particular tent that she really wants to go into for some reason. Her dad says they’re out of money however, so she sadly leaves and that is the end of the story.
I suppose you should go validate Taylor's suffering and read his review. Mention I sent you and get it for even freer than it already is.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
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