This article is part of the That Insidious Beast series.
The concept of teaching action through God is not new to Christianity. For thousands of years, good practices for house and country have been imparted to churchgoers at lesser or false churches. The Holy Hand Ministry seeks to elevate this teaching from suggestion to command. The fair of the land may already hear the Word in their head as the Angels magnify His Word ten thousandfold, but for the rest there is Holy Hand Broadcasting. Our Pastors echo the Word and amplify His Divine Message. The command action as needed.
Our Lord is the Commander of this Last Battlefield, the Angels are his Generals, and - for the Angels are so exquisite and terrible to look upon - the Pastors of Holy Hand carry forth their commands as Captains and Lieutenants. It is our duty to follow and obey. To serve at the pleasure of the Lord and His Host. All adult humans must answer His Call and Heed His Word.
Battle is at hand and you are chosen. The trumpets sound and it is time to gather our mortal armies and array them against the heathen and the heretic. The Unfolder Menace and the Moral Threat must be extinguished, no matter the cost.
The fair will be called directly, but the men must be told. Listen closely, for when your name is called it is your duty to attend to the whim of the Angels. From that moment forth your flesh is their flesh and your blood is their blood. It is your duty to prepare in advance for this eventuality.
A Threat has arisen in your area. Attend to your civic duties as instructed. Form a posse, join a bucket mob, march with the train carriers and rejoice, for an Angel is passing through your area! Whatever your calling you must serve. Failure to serve suggests your vulnerability to Moral Threat.
These must be erected where and when it is needed. Perhaps another Angel is arriving. Perhaps the Area Bleed has created a Threat. More Unfolders? THEIR KIND WILL BE EXTERMINATED. WE WILL FEAST ON THE CARRION OF THEIR RACE AND IN TIME THE THRALL BEINGS WILL REMEMBER NOTHING OF THAT PITIFUL SPECIES.
The Federal Government has moved a unit into your area. Feed and water them, provide for their stock and chattel, and issue them with whatever medicines their bodies require and whatever unguents their machines demand. Though they carry no standard of God, the Federal Armies are the backbone of our fight against the Unfolders and their human allies. Never forget this.
Obedience in all things. To question is to unbar the door for Moral Threat.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.