In addition to having my name permanently associated with Rapelay and swap.avi, my past of mocking hentai games and weird pornos has given me an eccentric uncle. He's the sort that travels to exotic places and brings back oddities like shrunken heads and tiger penises that you would absolutely never want in your house. His name is Peter Payne and he is the proprietor of J-List.
They don't really advertise with us anymore, but Peter still frequently sends me things I have no use for and don't want in an effort to get me to review them. A few years back he sent me an entire series of figurines of anime girls that were combined with WWII airplanes. Not riding in them, they were physically integrated into the airplanes.
Last week he sent me the most dire box of oddities yet. Beginning to feel bad about him sending me stuff and me never writing any articles about it, I resolved to turn that around.
I set the box on my kitchen counter. I began my dig through and discovered a copy of My Girlfriend is the President, a hentai game that could not possibly live up to the high bar set by its title. I don't review hentai games anymore, although I would have made an exception if this one actually included Obama or any real political figures. Alas, it appeared it did not.
My next discoveries were various Popin' Cookin' kits. These are like do-it-yourself candy factories where you pour powders into molds and make various candies that sometimes look like other foods like sushi or donuts. I was familiar with the idea from one of the numerous Youtube videos, so I figured I would start with this.
I took a look at the instructions on the package. I can't read Japanese, but I figured it couldn't be too hard.
I poured one powder in one mold. The other powder in the other mold.
I added some water. Wait. I think I was supposed to swirl them first. Oh well, I added the candy to the top. I think you are supposed to make suckers out of the resulting goop, but I could not find any sticks and I used way too much water and it was really soupy. If you have kids and you want to teach them how to make unhealthy food out of chemicals this is the perfect gift.
Dispirited, I grabbed my lunch, a Whopper, and continued the search through the box. The next item Peter Payne thought I would have some use for an odd spray bottle he included.
I didn't know what it was so I scoured the J-List website and came across this:
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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