Wait, what is going on the picture on the J-List website?


Apparently you spray this stuff on the pair of panties you have wrapped around your body-horror computer from eXistenZ. Since I didn't have one of those I decided to apply the spray to my Whopper.

For your future reference, hot females having sweaty sex smells a lot like liquid mothballs. I gave the Whopper a liberal coating to make it as enchanting as possible. The hamburger smell was annihilated. The kitchen smelled like going through boxes in an old lady's attic. So if you ever need to conceal the smell of a hamburger in a retirement home, this is a good bet.

The next thing I pulled from the box looked like a bottle of shampoo, but a closer look revealed a key detail:

SEMEN LOTION.

More specifically, according to the J-List website, Bukkake Lotion. "Designed to look like semen, this slippery lotion is perfect if you want to see a wilder, dirtier side."

I am into humiliating my hamburgers...

Not enough.

NOT ENOUGH.

Whoa, whoa, too much.

NOT ENOUGH!!!

The end result of this was a hamburger that looked like it was washing its hair and smelled like grandma's winter coats. Yum! I searched the packages for both items to see if there was a warning about not eating them, like maybe a skull with huge eye sockets or something, but there was nothing. I had emailed Peter the day before to see if it was safe, but he still hadn't gotten back to me on that, so I did what I had to do.

I took a bite.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.