No time for being a sadsack. Put that Nintendo down and pick up those want ads!One of the worst things in the world, maybe next to torture and accidental skin removal, is being jobless. Relying on unemployment benefits to pay your bills while you truck your carcass around town trying to find a job is never a fun task under the best of circumstances, and these certainly aren't the best of circumstances here in this terrible year of Our Lord 2003.
There is some personal significance to my mention of a job hunt. No, don't get your hopes up, I'm not quitting Something Awful. I don't talk about my girlfriend Michelle all that frequently on the front page but recently she was laid off and since we live together and are both incapable of digesting rocks as a food source it has a fairly large amount of significance in my life. No more diamond encrusted hat racks and baths in caviar, it's time to go back to ramen and home-brewed methanol fuel for our cars. We may even have to return that solid platinum cat-carrier that we bought for our pet cheetah. Times are tough, but like any good man who is used to making less than half of what his girlfriend does I find myself horrified by the concept that I'm the breadwinner and have put all of my energy into helping her find a new job.
Michelle is an IT expert here in Chicago (you can e-mail me if you have high paying jobs to offer her) with a master's degree and years of experience in her field. I have a spotty background in multi-media marketing and shitty web design, so I'm the perfect person for her to consult with when looking for jobs. At least I think so, she tends to scream at me about "getting my head out of the clouds" and throw glassware against a wall until I'm driven into a closet where I pull my knees to my chest and sob softly while rocking back and forth. Despite the tension and severe beatings in our household I continue to draw upon my wealth of knowledge working everywhere from a movie theater (I walked out on my first day) to a pancake house (I was a bus boy briefly). I think I'm really helping!
In case any of you are in the same unfortunate position as she is then I suggest you follow my invaluable advice about possible careers to pursue and general tips for the job-seeker.
General TipsCut like an employable rock! Performance enhancing drugs can greatly increase your ability to get a job. While most employers would deny this, they will always take the person with the best muscle definition for a given job. If the person interviewing you doesn't comment on how totally fucking ripped you are then you should "accidentally" tear your shirt and then start benching furniture.
Dress casually to interviews. No employer wants a fuddy-duddy ass to show up for an interview in one of those blazers with the patches on the elbows. Wear a t-shirt, maybe something with a comical phrase like "World's Greatest Granda" or "Female Body Inspector", or if you're taking those performance enhancers then just go with a tank top and some bicycle shorts.
Pad your resume with adjectives! You didn't just work at that cardboard box factory, you were "awesome" and possibly "amazing" as a cardboard box assembler. Try not to reuse adjectives, and don't be afraid to swear, it will show your prospective employer that you know how to "keep it real".
Cover letters are for chumps. A company's human resource department has to sift through about a million and a half resumes a day, and every single one has the same old generic cover letter crap. Forget that! You want your resume to stand out. Try putting a large picture on top of your resume along with just your name, like perhaps a hardcore amateur porn image or something similarly attention getting like that picture of the monk burning himself up in Vietnam.
Bring pets to interviews. You know how when you're out walking your puppy all of the women coo over how adorable it is and then the next thing you know you're making waffles for a woman you met on the street in nothing but a towel? It works the same way with job interviews. They'll overlook your lack of education and experience when you come in with a Chihuahua or a kitten and just fawn over how cute your pet is. If you're trying to get a job in a design-related field like marketing design or chemical engineering then try bringing in a radical alternative pet like an iguana or a parrot. Those hippies will totally flip out over that shit.
You HAVE been convicted of a felony! This is one of the biggest mistakes most people make at job interviews. They get the ubiquitous question about being convicted of a felony and they instinctively say "no" just because they haven't actually murdered or assaulted anyone. This is a huge no-no! The majority of employers are asking you this because if you're a convicted felon it lends you "street cred" and saves them expensive money that would otherwise be spent on gangland initiations. If you're really looking to wow your boss you can even get a prison tattoo and explain in graphic detail how you raped a man then shived him to death in the shower.
Customize your interview trash-talking for the person giving the interview. One of the best ways to show that you're an effective communicator and have good "people skills" is to go on a long obscenity-laced rant during the interview. Get red faced, gesture wildly, and combine "fuck" with every noun and adjective you can think of. For that added impact, when you first enter the room where you're being interviewed look around for clues as to the personality of your employer. If you see a picture of a family framed on a desk rant at length about how much you hate children, even going so far as to single out physical characteristics of his children as particularly loathsome. If the person who is administering the interview is a minority that's all you need right there, just fall back on a stock racist rant and describe assaulting various "subhumans".
These tips should have you well prepared for the interview and application processes, but I think I'm getting ahead of myself a little. First you have to pick a career that suits your needs and that you will enjoy spending the rest of your life working in soul-crushing tedium for less pay than the incompetent middle managers that condescend to you on a daily basis. Since obviously I don't know what careers would be up your alley I have selected a handful of careers that should appeal to almost anyone. Not only that, but these careers are in high demand right now despite the current state of the job market.
Rap Star's Interior Decorator
"Bling".Description: Despite all odds and all key economic indicators like the price of raisin bread rap stars continue to enjoy great success and increasingly outrageous sums of money. Much of this money goes into purchasing vast estates and then turning them into tacky collections of consumer electronics and bejeweled furniture and fixtures. Obviously the rap stars are way too busy bipping and bopping and hipping and hopping to actually design their crazy bling ranch of despair, which is where the Rap Star's Interior Decorator enters the picture.
Education: At least a bachelor's degree in Ice.
Experience: Must have "frozen" at least two houses and must be able to purchase unusual items like fake Playstation 4s and bass tubes powerful enough to release subsonic hums that liquefy surrounding wildlife.
Job Hunting Tips: Securing a job as a Rap Star's Interior Decorator is all about presentation. Start out with a fur coat and sew a variety of diamonds, emerald, and rubies into the fur. Buy a solid platinum walking cane with a top piece that is a small sculpture of two rotweillers humping carved out of jade. Your neck must be weighted with at least ten pounds of platinum chains covered in so many diamonds that they cut grooves into your chest when you walk. You must know the best SUV and the correct rims for going to get the mail, going to the swimming pool filled with Cristal, and going to the basketball court inside the other pool filled with Cristal. If at all possible when introducing yourself to a potential employer you should ensure that at least one speed boat, one helicopter, and two Hummers or other SUVs are visible in the background.
Description: There are many treasures from ages past just waiting for a brave and adventurous soul such as you to come and claim them. You will need good skills with shirpas, whip and/or pistol abilities, and a complete understanding of the methods of rival archaeologists and treasure-hunting Nazis.
Education: Associates degree from community college.
Experience: None necessary but camping and Boy Scout skills are highly desirable.
Job Hunting Tips: The fastest way to make yourself employable as an archaeologist is to actually go out there and find some lost treasure. Some great starting points include; Atlantis, some sort of gem-encrusted skull inside a volcano, a device left on earth by a mysterious race of hyper-intelligent aliens, religious artifacts capable of destroying mankind, and cool clay pots. If you can find and recover any of these things you will earn a reputation in the industry and find it easy to get a high-paying job running from giant boulders.
Description: Mutants are one of the most hated segments of modern society. They look weird, they smell weird, and their kids just keep getting progressively worse. Whether you're talking about radiation warped freaks, adherents of dark gods reshaped in the visage of their horrible masters, or simply inbred yokel these scumbags must be destroyed. Grab a shotgun, a squirt gun filled with acid, and maybe some type of magical medallion and sign up with one of a number of mutant hunter outfits throughout North America!
Education: Master's degree in an applied science recommended but often not required.
Experience: At least one or more supernatural entity, mutant sect, or blasphemous cult fragged.
Job Hunting Tips: Most mutant hunting outfits don't advertise. If they did they'd be attacked by the very mutants they are attempting to destroy. If you're "the one" or some variation thereof you probably have already been contacted by mutant hunting recruiters. If you're just a regular Joe with a score to settle then your best bet for making it into one of these groups is to single-handedly destroy some mutant cult. They'll hear about it and come knocking. Be sure to negotiate firmly for decent benefits. Most of these groups are fly-by-night outfits that could care less about your 401k and health and dental coverage. Play hardball and they'll think you're an extra bad ass albeit one who needs contact lenses and really expensive prescription allergy medication.
Ace Fighter PilotLet's Roll!Description: In case you haven't noticed lately America has been blowing a lot of shit up, and one of the best things about blowing a lot of shit up is that these crazy other countries are always making more shit to blow up! There is a constant high demand for ace fighter pilots.
Education: High school diploma
Experience: Five or more kills
Job Hunting Tips: Your employment options are fairly limited including only the USAF, the Navy, and a few mercenary and sky-pirate outfits. Your best bet is to invest in an inexpensive aircraft like a Cessna and weld a couple machineguns to it. Then fly around shooting down other Cessnas and jet liners until you've racked up five air victories. If you would prefer to go into tank-busting then just strafe the interstate for fifteen minutes or so and "blammo!" instant ace fighter pilot. Be sure when you go in for the interview that you bring your plane with the kill stencils on the side, otherwise no one will ever believe you.
Hopefully my sweetheart can find a job before her severance package expires. In the mean time I'll be helping her get her resume in order and prepare for the interviews. If you're similarly unemployed I wish you the best of luck!
Phoppish Hot Hydra!
Howdy gang, it's Josh "sexxxxygurlll32" Boruff here yet again with good tidings! I bring you a new Photoshop Phriday fresh from our infernal ovens of toil and suffering. This new edition of Photoshop Phriday highlights a recent thread on the SA Forums in which the goons combined the heady glory of anagrams with the perilous world of movie posters.
Jam your brain up like a rusty machine and read Photoshop Phriday like the damn dirty ape you really are!
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