Jill "ThrillKill" Hoffman: Whenever Jill finds herself in the proximity of fireworks, they become damp and unusable. However, if she picks one up, it instantly explodes in her hand. Bruce Tosser lobbed an unlit pack of Black Cats at Jill one night in the White Castle parking lot -- which she CAUGHT. Bruce was such a dick, but damn was he funny.
Chet "Double-Dump" Lager: Anytime Chet touches feces, it doubles in volume and weight. That's all I have to say about Chet.
Yuan Tzin "Crackers" Hua: Whenever Yuan fully opens his hand, three fresh and delicious crackers appear in his palm. I wasn't all that into his cracker thing, but he did help me through Calculus. Asians are human calculators.
Kinsey "Great White" Marsden: After a moment of deep concentration, Kinsey can tell you exactly how many sharks there are alive on the planet. I'm not sure it was ever confirmed that her mutation was real, or if she was just pulling numbers out of her ass. Personally I think she had a mutant fetish and made some shit up to get into the academy.
Zack Kuntz, Attorney-At-Law: Zack discovered at a young age that he could levitate, but only over felines. I'm pretty sure this dude was gay.
Thanks to Ian at Fused Muse for the awesomely freakish photo illustrations!
Mass Effect: Andromeda turns its nose up at the original trilogy's rigid morality. It boasts a more nuanced and intellectually compelling shades-of-grey approach in which a heart icon pops up when it's time to tell an alien to take their clothes off.
Please consider updating your plan to include Trickle Down Antibiotics, the Millennial Meltdown, and other new options.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.